On the 29th of november, i think i learnt to be more accepting of things and behaviour. Its so difficult to let go of things that are outside of our personality and behaviour. While letting go is one thing, accepting is another too. And its even tougher. Resistance is futile.

When you have hurt someone too deeply, it is impossible to make up for it. Not matter how hard to try to do your best to recover the relationship, it is just not possible to erase everything. Its tough when you try to move closer but the person just move further away. Definitely need o try alot harder if i want any improvements from it. But it just seems so hard to start in the first place. It just sad. Very sad. No matter how much you regret it its already too late. You can only just blame yourself from being too immature and stupid from creating the whole mess in the first place.

It hard to see your friend going through a hard time when you can't do anything to help. I guess you are not suppose to help everybody in the world. But its tough to just let things go by and not doing anything.

I guess its tough to concentrate on too many things at once. Or maybe i have to be selfless.

I like comedies. Definitely gotta watch more of it.

Relationships are some of the most beautiful things in the world.

Zzz.... My first module for my night school. Ok at first i was quite unimpressed by the topic. Like its gonna be quite boring and dry. But after reading mso many articles on it, i realised that it is very dynamic and interesting. There are actually not much things to memorised and alot of case by case issue to know of. I think in the end it requires alot of first hand experiences and critical and fast thinking. And i realised that counselling is not just cilent centred by counsellor centred as well. Many things revolves around the relationship between you and your client. And sometimes it can end up as being just one person because you are suppose to enter your clents world and empathise with him.

But i do realised that after reading on many psychology books, it is actually very broad and deep topic. So different from i usually studied from sec school to jc. Its gonna be tough. Wonder if i really shld do it. But i dun really want to think about it. I just want to continue my life being happy hopefully. And i think i must be crazy to say this, i think studying can be fun at times. Haha or maybe just knowing more things gives u a sense of satisfaction. Although i keep complaining about studying, i think in the end without a balance of everything, life will be really boring.

Platonic relationships is really tough i tell you. Whenever u see two people of the opposite sex together, there is definitely something going on. And it can't be just that simple. I have a friend who once told me that two people of the opposite sex that does not physically reject each other is not possible to have a purely plationic relationship. When i first hear that i ddin't really thot much about it. But much thot, much talking to friends with tonnes of experiences (i think i really pei fu those people) i realised one thing. Its not really that tough. Haha i dunno. Maybe cause i am not some horny 'bastards' like some of my friends. Sorry about my coarse language.Actually platonic relationship is actually those that i think i cherish alot more. Because the things that u hear and the things can converse about it very interesting and enlightening. I dunno. Maybe its just me. I think i read too much psycho books really. haha.

the shadow of oneself likes to project itself onto others. i think it is just unfair that we will often become what we do not want to become. doesn't mean that u know the good you will do the good. life is just so ironic.

I was thinking again during NIE band prac. Looking at all the 15,16,17 yrs old young kids made me realised how much of time i had wasted since sec school. Hmm... if i had planned and knew what i wanted 3 years ago things would have worked out much better now. Everything is so uncertain because of that. Argh so frustrated with myself sometimes.


And i feel so old le. No longer as young even though i am only 19? Dun feel like i still can go around screaming and shouting like kids. Running around and playing. i dunno just dun feel like it. no more energy in life le. they always say to be young u just have to young at heart but i think i am old at heart le.... gosh...

very sick of studying. just thinking about more studying from dec onwards makes me wanna stay in nov. i dunno how i sustain myself one. i am seriously running out of entertainments in life le. Everything is starting to be a chore in life. Argh so negative. I think i read too much of a certain book which keeps talking about embracing darkness.

why do good people do bad things?
because there are no good people.

You are in a room that is so bright i cannot see my fingers
everything looks piercing to the eyes but there seemed pure and heavenly
But as you look down on the ground you realised darkness was there,
Your shadow is there.
You start to recognise your face, body , soul
Your eyes truly open and there was no longer light.
There was everything and everywhere but there was no light.
And you are truly dark and opaque black.
Then you realised there is no true white but only whiteness
In comparision to your body and soul

Sian sian sian....

I need to practice harder. So hard to get things perfect. Hands breaking le still not much progress. No talent. Must use more hardworking to make up for it.

Argh... frustation...

another week. looks like i survived somehow. Even though i tell people to always tell and say out their problems. I find it hard for me to say mine to others. But i think its good. Haha if not next time when i counsel people, the counsellor become the counsellee.

As people get older, do they become bolder and become more obliviously to others? Must they feel that everyone else must give way to them? I use to be quite angry at those ignorant elderly but nowadays i think i really empathise with them. I think it will be much easier for us as youths to look out for them instead of only blaming others when things happen.

Babies are really like clean sheets of paper. If left alone, they will dirty and soil themselves. Thats why they need a good environment to live in. So that they can be kept pure and clean. When people say that humans are naturally good or bad, i believe in neither. I only believe that we are all neutral and society will definitely lead us the wrong way if we are not educated properly. Just like it is easier for a piece of paper to become dirty then to stay clean, it is easier for us to learn the bad things than the good. Such a sad world.

Playing multiple roles in the family is hard. Having to be the man of the house, the honours student, the filial son, the helpful child, the accomodating daughter? I dunno what else. Going out with 4 aunties, 1 cousin and 1 stranger was definitely not a good experience at the start. But i guess i just got used to it and shut myself out. I use to think that going out with the family was important for bonding. But i think it can have adverse effects when dealt with incorrectly. The orderly life from p1 to sec 4 i no longer there. I still rmb dr lee tell me why are u so afraid of girls last time? My mum was the only girl that i had proper contact with. now i think back, it is really having a very negative impact on me. I think i really have changed alot. No longer the mommies boy i use to be. Trying to struggle to get out of my mold, its so hard when i am constantly reminded of it. Maybe it will all be better when my dad is no longer working overseas...

U think that u will get used to it after living the same life for 10 or more years. Everything was calm, blissful with the occassional hiccups. Then everything changes and u are exposed to a new world. A world where there are so many things to learn, experience, endure through. Just a small interrupt and destroy everything that was once peaceful. hai...

I have stopped hoping for anything already. I think in order for things to be happier, everything has to move on. And maybe by moving on, what we hope for then can come true. Clinging on the the tine bit of hope is good. But always remember that life have to move on. Only when the wheel of fortune continue to spin, will we have the chance for that hope to be realised again. Yeah hope and walk. Do not hope and sit there, cry, indulged in self pitiful, hoping even more that people will pull u along. Only when u start walking by urself will things move faster and the wheel spinning faster.

There is still a lots more to learn and understand in live. To think that even at the very last moment before ur death, u might still learn something new before moving on the learn about death.

I think i can really find peace there. Everybody seems kinds, friendly and helpful somehow. I think its been a long long time since i have dwell in such an environment. The world is just full of danger and humans. Perhaps they won't understand but i think as long as nothing bad happens, it is a good thing in itself already.

Full of emotions, full of sorrow,
but yet the source is unknown.
Blinded by the past and molded by the present,
he is led only towards darkness
at the end of the path, nothingness
or just a dream untold, unspoken, unrevealed
music, tranquility
solace he will find alone

Sunday. Today was a lousy day. I never thought i am going to blog about negative feelings again. But today was overwhelming. I guess it started yesterday on saturday. I was bored of everything. Including gaming and playing piano and lots of other things. What a weekend indeed. Firstly, it was going to be my first step to go to church. Everything seemed fine. But then i was LATE!!!! ok la just late meeting with my friend. So in the end not late of the service. And i was sleepy during the service. Whew... but i still managed to focus for most of it. Yup. After that thot that it was going to be a smooth sailing day ahead. Ok i thought wrong. Went to my grandma's house to bake as usual. Then my mum got pissed off cause my aunt said her eggs not fresh or something. Theen he also broke one egg yolk by accident. Then she said it wasn't a good day. Angrily stomped out of the kitchen to read her newspaper. Like a kid. I also dunno what to say. But i was calm and relaxed and told myself baking will be ok. Despite the fact that my aunt kept talking about this and that. (her, i think it will be ok.... no no this recipe is weird...i think... i think... argh.... seriously... end up half the thing she said not true) Then there was shouting and arguments. And some sarcastic comments from my mum. I learnt not to listen to the experienced or the media. I should always only believe in what i can see and can analyse.

Alright baking is over... i thought it was abit of torture. But it was ok. The cake was rather successful. Very spongy but just too dry. Abit more butter to the recipe will do. JUst when i tought it was over. I DROPPED my friend's psp.... ZZZ..... and it spoiled. Hai.... So i had to go all the way to hougang to repair it. going to cost 120-140.... Ok that wasn't so bad. After all its only extra trip and money wasted. What was worse was everything else. More sarcasism from my mum.... THen i got pissed off and blamed her for it. (ok my fault) Then she got pissed off again. Nvm... I seriously dun care about her. Later she commented that the 200 from ym ippt gold just got wasted liddat. Ok fine... i know i like to waste money. And she told me to return the psp to my friend after its repaired. Like YES I KNOW!!!! omg. i dunno what she wants from me. Control everything in my life maybe. Then she told me about how money keep flowing out and not coming in. SO NOW ITS MY FAULT??? Damn it. I am so going to pay my own phone bills. I swear. She also bugged me to go down to lavender to get my passport done. (cause i tried to do it online and then got some error. They claim that it has been submitted but i didn't recevie any confirmation so still waiting) Thats not the bad part. She just keep hounding on the fact that it failed. And why is the system so lousy nowadays. I just feel like telling her... its just liddat. WHat do u expect from the internet? Like wth... chill it man. Seriously? There is nothing wrong with it screwing up. Alot of things screw up in this world. Including whatever admin work she does.

Then there is the problem of my diploma course. They send this letter claiming that i have to go through 4 bridging modules to get the diploma which is totally unrelated to it. Then keep saying this kind of school so screwed up. Cheat us. blah blah.... Ok fine i get the picture. I will ask them when i go for my orientation. NO.................. She insist on calling them. Then if i have to take those module i will just cancel the course and take back the course money. Blah blah... I was so sian about it then i just ok.... ok.... ok.... Maybe i seemed abit too laid back about it.

I dunno whether i am angry with myself or with her. OR maybe i am just not angry but i am just sian. I hope chucking it all here helps me too release my unhappiness. But i know one day i will break away from my parents. Even though i think they already feel i am very far from them. But i still try my best to say whatever i feel comfortable saying. N i tolerate whatever nonsense they throw as me. Whatever 'insults' and comments they give me. After all i know that as long as they dun comment on me means i am good. I dun expect anything praises already. I feel that i am so untrusted. Thats why i like sleeping by myself. In my room. (Ya i still sleep with my mum when my dad is not around cause she wants to save aircon money, not like i need aircon. what the heck) I think i will never be able to tell them how i feel. I am brought up this way. Family is my priority over everythign else. No matter what i can't ever leave them. Yeah. But i know that i no longer want to rely on them. I want to get my own scholarship. Pay for my own expenses and school fees. Work and pay for own post graduate. I hate myself for saying all these. I am afraid i will become my parents one day. Thats why i hate myself more. Cause one day i will become my own nightmare. Home doesn't feel like home anymore. I only like my home when my parents are not around. Sometimes i think even though my grandma is more stubborn and unreasonable. I can relate to it. Cause i can understand her way of thinking. I can understand her reason. But i can never understand my parents. Or rather i dun want to understand or face it. I know the truth is too cruel for me to accept it. Sigh...