Sunday. Today was a lousy day. I never thought i am going to blog about negative feelings again. But today was overwhelming. I guess it started yesterday on saturday. I was bored of everything. Including gaming and playing piano and lots of other things. What a weekend indeed. Firstly, it was going to be my first step to go to church. Everything seemed fine. But then i was LATE!!!! ok la just late meeting with my friend. So in the end not late of the service. And i was sleepy during the service. Whew... but i still managed to focus for most of it. Yup. After that thot that it was going to be a smooth sailing day ahead. Ok i thought wrong. Went to my grandma's house to bake as usual. Then my mum got pissed off cause my aunt said her eggs not fresh or something. Theen he also broke one egg yolk by accident. Then she said it wasn't a good day. Angrily stomped out of the kitchen to read her newspaper. Like a kid. I also dunno what to say. But i was calm and relaxed and told myself baking will be ok. Despite the fact that my aunt kept talking about this and that. (her, i think it will be ok.... no no this recipe is weird...i think... i think... argh.... seriously... end up half the thing she said not true) Then there was shouting and arguments. And some sarcastic comments from my mum. I learnt not to listen to the experienced or the media. I should always only believe in what i can see and can analyse.

Alright baking is over... i thought it was abit of torture. But it was ok. The cake was rather successful. Very spongy but just too dry. Abit more butter to the recipe will do. JUst when i tought it was over. I DROPPED my friend's psp.... ZZZ..... and it spoiled. Hai.... So i had to go all the way to hougang to repair it. going to cost 120-140.... Ok that wasn't so bad. After all its only extra trip and money wasted. What was worse was everything else. More sarcasism from my mum.... THen i got pissed off and blamed her for it. (ok my fault) Then she got pissed off again. Nvm... I seriously dun care about her. Later she commented that the 200 from ym ippt gold just got wasted liddat. Ok fine... i know i like to waste money. And she told me to return the psp to my friend after its repaired. Like YES I KNOW!!!! omg. i dunno what she wants from me. Control everything in my life maybe. Then she told me about how money keep flowing out and not coming in. SO NOW ITS MY FAULT??? Damn it. I am so going to pay my own phone bills. I swear. She also bugged me to go down to lavender to get my passport done. (cause i tried to do it online and then got some error. They claim that it has been submitted but i didn't recevie any confirmation so still waiting) Thats not the bad part. She just keep hounding on the fact that it failed. And why is the system so lousy nowadays. I just feel like telling her... its just liddat. WHat do u expect from the internet? Like wth... chill it man. Seriously? There is nothing wrong with it screwing up. Alot of things screw up in this world. Including whatever admin work she does.

Then there is the problem of my diploma course. They send this letter claiming that i have to go through 4 bridging modules to get the diploma which is totally unrelated to it. Then keep saying this kind of school so screwed up. Cheat us. blah blah.... Ok fine i get the picture. I will ask them when i go for my orientation. NO.................. She insist on calling them. Then if i have to take those module i will just cancel the course and take back the course money. Blah blah... I was so sian about it then i just ok.... ok.... ok.... Maybe i seemed abit too laid back about it.

I dunno whether i am angry with myself or with her. OR maybe i am just not angry but i am just sian. I hope chucking it all here helps me too release my unhappiness. But i know one day i will break away from my parents. Even though i think they already feel i am very far from them. But i still try my best to say whatever i feel comfortable saying. N i tolerate whatever nonsense they throw as me. Whatever 'insults' and comments they give me. After all i know that as long as they dun comment on me means i am good. I dun expect anything praises already. I feel that i am so untrusted. Thats why i like sleeping by myself. In my room. (Ya i still sleep with my mum when my dad is not around cause she wants to save aircon money, not like i need aircon. what the heck) I think i will never be able to tell them how i feel. I am brought up this way. Family is my priority over everythign else. No matter what i can't ever leave them. Yeah. But i know that i no longer want to rely on them. I want to get my own scholarship. Pay for my own expenses and school fees. Work and pay for own post graduate. I hate myself for saying all these. I am afraid i will become my parents one day. Thats why i hate myself more. Cause one day i will become my own nightmare. Home doesn't feel like home anymore. I only like my home when my parents are not around. Sometimes i think even though my grandma is more stubborn and unreasonable. I can relate to it. Cause i can understand her way of thinking. I can understand her reason. But i can never understand my parents. Or rather i dun want to understand or face it. I know the truth is too cruel for me to accept it. Sigh...