Sometime just feel missing this couple of days. Everytime i will feel like i haven done something for the day. But the fact is that i am always rushing here n there and settling things. So many things unsettled, my outstanding 3 driving lesson that has to be done b4 9th oct or my test will be cancelled. THe end of year chalet. What i wanna study at the end of the year (which night dip course). Been researching on everything including my uni course.... Argh frustrating, everything is so complicated once u step out of JC. Anyway thats not the point. The point is i dunno what i am missing.

Even though i have been complaing about last week, this week seems equally if not worse but i think i got used to it. Got used to not being at home all the time except when i sleep.Even when i sleep i sleep in camp more than half the time during the week. Plus my parents went overseas even lesser time at home cause there is no one to tell me what to do. I think thats what i am missing, my family. But then again i think its not that, i dun feel the urge for them to come back or anything.

So what am i missing? hmm... i dunno. Just the empty feeling at the end of the day. Like u can be fulfilled with what u did for the day but then there is still something i haven done in the end. Maybe i just wish that sometimes the day doesn't end so fast. Then i can live those enjoyable moments more and also do more things.

Man... what am i doing with my life. I have no idea already, living everyday one day at a time just doesn't suit me. I needa plan my life. Something which i can't and i also dun have time to somehow. Always only thinking about the next moment when i have the free time. Just not enough time!!!!!!!

Someone tell me what i should do!!!! i think i know what i missed today le. But then the rest of the days i dunno... hai...

This post is for me to complain to myself. So anyone who read it just ignore. I just wanna remind myself of this one day again. To see if i have changed...

I can feel myself changing. Becoming more hot tempered and my mind drifting off easily. Harder to concentrate on things and also less tolerant. I think i know how i became liddat. Been trapping too many things in my mind. Many form of unhappiness and sadiness keeps coming and going and i feel that i have no time for rest. Things literally happens one after another. So does my work and things i have to do. So many things i dun even want to name them. (note to self, i think i will still remember them) It is easy to tell people that u shouldn't keep everything to urself but in the end i still keep them to myself. I just dun feel like complaining to people cause i like what i am doing. I shouldn't be complaining about what i am doing if that is the case right? But i can feel my mind crumbling. EVen though when i think about it it isn't something very serious. But i just can tell that i dunno how long i can last doing everything. Reading, doing, listening, organising... Running around all the time. Not staying at home. Not taking to my mum. I am so glad i am home now and taking to my mum alittle. I dun need to complain to people. I feel just a little happy having any random conversation. Not just with my mum. Even with my friends. I wonder how i do all this. Holding everything inside me even when so many things keep happening... I dun even know what i am typing already... Omg... kk i going to rush back to camp.

What a heavy week... i feel like alot of things actually happened but actually there is not much.

Alright... mastered the art of resting already. I think anywhere anytime as long as a close my eyes i can sleep and rest. Haha. And somehow i am able to not feel tired even if i dun sleep enough now. I think i have mastered something great. Just have this feeling inside me. Wahaha...

There are 3 things to being human. 1. To be passionate 2. To be focused in what u do 3. To be humane - By some Legend. Definitely something i will remember for life. Haha.... Never really thot how true it is, just sounds impressive and stupid at the same time.

There are also 3 things required for a relationship to be successful. 1. To tell each other everything and anything (Honesty) 2. To Love each other 3. To have comunication - By some experienced friend. Just a random conversation with a friend and he told me this. sounds impressive as well and i am quite convince somehow. haha even though it might be quite common sensical but people just fail to realise it. Especially when lovers get older...

Life is really cruel... The more i ponder about life the more i find it hard to accept. We people are hard creatures to live as and live with at the same time. Dunno why i feel that way... Sigh...

I am afraid. Somehow everytime i suppress my emotions by talking to myself, I am losing part of myself. I am losing the same anger, same saddness and even the same happiness that i use to feel. Everything just seemed so toned down. Like losing one's senses and humanity. Maybe i am thinking to much thats why. Sometimes i dun even feel a thing even if the same thing happened before and i felt very angry or sad before. I think i am losing it... Serious... But at least i am still afraid. But even that doesn't seem so real, as if i planted it there by telling myself i am afraid.

Dear naux,
I think by talking to u i am sometimes able to understand myself better. Although i will prefer not too because i know deep down inside me i am capable of many things which are absolutely evil and unethical. It is scary to know that i am unable to realised myself at all times because of that. I still rmb a senior saying that once in a while taking off ur mask is a good thing, but i dun think i can ever do that. I dun think i will ever get high or drunk on alcohol.

I think i am already half mad. Haha. But at this point all the more i feel like becoming a psychologist. Why can't i just live my own life...

This is a cruel world we are living in. I am currently reading this book titled 'rich dad, poor dad'. Even though this book is suppose to educate people on how the rich earn money which the poor and middle classes do not know, there is actually no such thing. What the rich have that the poor and middle do not have is actually money. With money, u can use it to make more money and without it, u can't do anything. The author claims that it is a poor person's mindset to say that they have no money, because u must use your brains to actually find money and not just say that it is impossible or it is too risky. However, how many opportunites are there actually for the poor to 'find money' (which is actually investing without cashflow and thereby earning money from buying and selling things off with no capital - a form of risk taking) and thereby from there use the new found money to make money. The book advises people to invest in assets and not liability but how do we know what is what? It is easy to say that u just have to use ur brain and think about which is which and by knowing the market u can minimise the risk. In the end, it is all just a fraud to cheat people into entering the market so that the lucky ones can earn from the unlucky ones. If people are really able to predict the future, they are able to speculate whether a stock will raise and fall at a high percentage, there will not be such a thing as chance. There is no way to actually minimise ur risk (in high risk invesments) but only to invest smartly in different areas whereby some are absolutely safe and and some are just dangerous but high profit investments e.g. 90% in long term insurance and 10% in real estate.

Anyway, the real point of this post is not to insult the book (even though the book is really a fraud in my opinion for the author to earn money from the poor and the middle class). What i am trying to get at is how many people can actually earn money from investments? There is actually a limited amount of money in the market (even though banks and governments can print more). Therefore, only through someone's loss and someone earn. Just like only through someone's defeat can someone win. The world is cruel and selfish. The rich will get richer and the poor will get poorer because the rich have the resources to suck money from the poor. ANd the the rich will never have enough because we man are selfish and are afraid of losing what we have. Therefore to stop that fear of losing, we have to constantly keep winning. The rich will keep sucking money from the poor and the balance can only be maintained by the government. Taxes are said to be the solution that distribution the wealth of the rich to the poor. I think not. There are so many laws and constuition in this world that protects the rich more than the poor. There are legal loopholes which help the rich to pay less taxes than the poor in the end.

Life is just cruel and sad. Thats because humans are selfish creatures and sometimes it takes a mad person to actually show what is goodness and kindness. Because only mad people are able to relieve themselves or human's selfish instinct (from the movie - the man who was superman).

No inspiration at all this week... Lousy week... feels like its going to be a lousy weekend as well.... So tired aft NIE prac and OCS rehearsal.... I am surprised my mouth didn't rotting after playing and playing. Haha must be getting back my stamina le.

A Checklist for myself

Things to be done:
Go for driving lesson every week
Go for Jap lesson every week
Go for theory lesson every week
Study hard for my music theory
Practice piano whenever i can
Continue to learn baking
Safe money for my clarinet
Quit gaming if its possible....

Things to aim for:
Pass my driving test in my first try on 23rd Oct
Do well for my grade 8 theory on 1st Nov
Bake proper cakes by end of the year
Sign up for night class for diploma by end of the year
Buy a clarinet before i ORD

I need my sleep.... Blardy hell its 1:11 now. need to sleep...

Once upon a time, there was a farmer who was always diligently working at his field. However his field is constantly under periods of flood or droughts throughout the year. Even so he never gave up and continued to work hard on this fields. When there are flood he will plant crops which requires a huge amount of water and when there are droughts he will plant crops which survive well under heat. He never really complained much and reaped his share of reward from his hardwork throughout the year. But there are times where he will think to himself why is god so unfair to him. Yet he knows that he shouldn't complain because he thought, all the farmers around the world should also be facing the same problem. N so life was good...

Today was an okay day. Everything was fine. When i met martin, he told me today is a sian day. At first i didn't think about it. But after NIE practice, on my way home, it did feel quite sian. Haha...

Walking under the night sky. Was lonely and cold at first. But as i continued on, it had a feeling of calmness and tranquility. It was quiet, nice and peaceful. As i walked along the dark and deserted street, i thought about it again. About my aim in my life. As usual i didn't have an answer. Just like before...

Walking under the night sky. There are no stars to guide my way. I feel a little lost. But i still have the courage to move on. It wasn't so bad. I could still see what was infront of me and around me. There was still moonlight and signs guiding my way. Maybe its kind of lonely and quiet but there are moments when the cool breeze blows against my face which are refreshing and makes me go on. There might have been hills, mountains or even walls to climb over but nothing impossible for me to pass yet. Sometimes, little stars appear in the night sky which brings a little hope and a little joy. However, even when there are no stars to guide me, i am still walking endlessly and tiredlessly. Because i have the wind. Because i have the moonlight. Because i have my legs. My ever ready and ever hardworking legs bringing me around wherever i may go.

alright.... its finally sept. Means 1 year and 2 months to ord!!!! Didn't have time to blog about another chapter of my life on the 31st of august so i am updating now to keep a memory of it now. I literally spent the whole day out celebrating yd's bday.... wah was tiring but fun!!! nevertheless another memorable day in life. There were laughter, tears, shoutings, fighting and many other emotions. (not bad ones refering to fighting, shoutings and tears) Haha another chapter that will definitely be remembered.

N the canadian people are back to band... Much more tensed but also much more fun i guess. I have learnt to adept to saf band somehow haha. Still rmbed how sian it was like time. But i guess friends do make a difference.....