this is not a complaining post. But i am feeling quite sleepy so a lot of crap might come out. haha so please dun mind my language and my tone. Its more of a reflection on what is happening to my life now.

Been quite tired and jaded for awhile. I can't remember when it started or how it started. But it did start. Halfway through my lesson today i realised i was losing my laughter. Saddening, when my whole class was laughing, i just felt stone. Maybe i was too tired. After awhile, i lightening up my mood a bit and it was a bit to join in with my class, so it wasn't so bad.

Haha, and i just finished editing my assignment. Oh man, i think it still need alot of work. But i am too lazy to think. Just going to see when else i can squeeze in my time to do it. Still got my group work... oh man... nvm think later.

I think i am too caught up with meeting people's expectations. Alot of the things i do now it for that. Ok maybe not alot but enough to make me scared. I am damn afraid i am going to forget to do something nowadays. I am still able to do everything, but sometimes i just tend to forget and think that i got nothing else to do le. I am quite happy doing them but i am just really afraid i will forget. I think its worth it just to make everyone feel happy.

Then there are those things you have committed too and can't just quit halfway. you just get stuck to it. and hoping that it will finish soon. At first you thought its important to have them, then you realised actual its not. Sometimes you just have to weigh whether the effort is wortht eh results. sorry for being practical but thats life. Suck right?

And then there are those that you like doing! but then you still will get tired because you are DOING!!! haha. its not so bad, there are ups and downs. But it can be really fun! and really interesting!

Then there are also those things you do to just stop thinking. Its a form of escape for me. Back to the good old days when i do those things to escape as well. Haha, i guess it is fun also, but too much is really bad for health. And it ruins your balance. Alot. very very bad.

Then there are those things that you CAN'T do. You just feel helpless that you can't be there at that time. But i guess i leave everything to god. I feel very very sucky for not being there. worse still you found out much later, and you know you can't do anything about it le and even if you knew about it earlier you also can't do anything about it. So you let it go. And you start to let everything go. Buts its ok, God i leave it in your hands.

Then there are those things that you have only one answer to. If though you might very very complicated feelings, you can have only one simple answer. You just can't tell people how you feel and just lock everything up inside you. You ask yourself whats the point of saying it? Make others think more? Worry more? What it is that you want by saying? Nothing, i just want everyone to be happy. So i dun say. I thot its a good choice, but sometimes you just dunno. Especailly from the things people say and do. You tend to relate to it and reflect upon it. And you feel more sucky. Just wanna let it out you know... And when you find no way too, i just you just leave it la. For the best. And you dun feel that bad after awhile anyway, haha.

At the end of it i just tell myself, i need a long long break. Really long one! haha but not so soon la. i mean where got time? zzz.... I envy those who can just do whatever they want. i think thats why i keep playing my ds so much. at least i am doing something 'fun'. even studying seems better than this really. at least they have an excuse to avoid things. I dun... Now i just feel like scolding a bad word and just end this. But i won't. Got to live up to the expectations of being in control as well. expectations expectations expectations. what do you want me to say? no ah? impossible right? i think its alright to do everything, but sometimes i just wish i can suffer abit lesser going through everything. haha humans just want the easy way out right? me too! i am human! i think sometimes even i forget that myself. lol

thinking back, my senior told me i am happier. i think i am, but on the inside i feel much more of everything as well... everything i magnified, including happiness of course.

ok i am not complain. i am just reflecting and that has to include emotions. not complaining, going to sleep....