Psycho Naux

2009-07-29T08:55:00.001+08:00

still feeling melancholy about the whole thing. i guess its retribution. its really not easy to lead a happy life. haha... but i guess its not that hard either

I still dunno

2009-07-24T23:23:00.002+08:00

omg... my internet explorer is screwed up. lol. i can't seem to view the page i am typing on properly.

anyway... its been such a long time since i blogged. feels weird doing it again.

anyway, i guess this post is just for venting. since i haven vent here for so long. I thot i might as well.... haha...

at the end of the day i still dunno whats wrong with me. haha ok maybe not with me. With the things itself. i didnt know that i was the weaker one. well at least i know i made the right choice finally. but knowing that just makes me feel worse than before. i guess the truth always hurts. and another truth is that what you give doesn't whole proportion to what you receive. life just sucks. how i wish i am not on the losing end. but now i think i am. but its a lesson learnt. definitely a well deserved one as well. i just wished i could have learnt it another way. but i guess life is just liddat.

i just want to think that i am happy now. or wish that i am. time to go to sleep anyway... good night and sweet dreams....

lalala

2009-06-13T01:07:00.002+08:00

wah its 1 o clock. haha i am pretty screwed. tired from playing games. its really a wrong way to escape.

i think even though i have lots of things to do. the reason i become so tired is because of all the other random things i do to myself. like tonight. zzz....

i really give up on caring le. i wonder what i am suppose to do seriously. what am i sacrificing myself for? i thought being cheerful was the right way to go. i guess it was until i dunno what happened to me. i thought i was doing ok but i thought wrong. i guess i assume too much. life. oh well, another day and another happening. just another few tens of thousands of days to go or even lesser...

wanted to pen my thoughts down
but really too tired to think
good night ming xuan

advices

2009-06-12T09:19:00.002+08:00

Advices seem something easy and simple for the advisor. He does not need to understand the mental capacity for carrying out a 'simple' task for he is only giving a suggestion. The outcome of the suggestion normally does not influence him greatly or directly. Therefore, its simple to give advices. Sometimes when i reflect back on my advices, i realised that they are not so easy to do after all. Its especially so when you are facing the same situation and you try to give yourself the same advice. you just know it doesn't work.

And sometimes when you want to give an advice, you realised that you yourself haven been even doing those things you want to tell others to do. it frustrates you and put you in dilemma.

So even though giving advice might seem like a form of caring, i feel that there are just times when you have to know when you care and when not to. because sometimes by not giving advice is actually beneficial to the person.

But its just damn irritating when it happens to you. I think i am almost on the verge of giving up le. Not giving up on caring but just giving up on thinking too much for someone else. Thats the easy way out i guess. I just wished there was something i can do...

Many things might seem like fantasies on shows. but it never ever happens in reality. It does perhap but at a very small chance. I should really listen more and assume less. The truth always hurts i guess, thats why people choose to reject rather than comprehend.

I dun even know what i am feeling now... Frustrated? Anger? Regret? Maybe it all has to come together. I guess live does seem to be a suffering. Oh well doesn't matter.

quod me non necat me fortiorem facit. That which does not kill us make us stronger. I shall just move on in life

home cooked dinner

2009-06-12T00:04:00.002+08:00

its been a long time since i had one. really missed it alot. although i must say the dinner was like better than any restaurants. haha. oh well, but i dun think thats the important part. i guess what i am looking for is just some homecooked meals. its tough to do kind of things in the current society. everyone like to work and no one likes to cook anymore.

i guess ns do forge close bonds between impossible people. but sometimes bonds you just wonder how long will they last? can these bonds endure tests and storms? haha i dunno and i am too lazy to think about it. but from past experiences, i always somehow drift away from my friends after leaving school and stuff. i guess i am just not the kind to leave an impression of liking to communicate. haha...

suffering is like gas. when you put gas into any container, it will just fill up the whole thing no matter how little there is. suffering when experienced also fills the entire human. and when we experience just a little of it, it affects the whole us. but i guess that why humans have to find meaning in their life. they have to find meaning in their suffering in order to endure it. He who has a why to live can endure almost any how. a beautifully crafted phrase by Nietzsche.

somehow i feel like i am getting dettached from the world. as always. too buys handling even my small personal world. seriously bad time management. i guess i gotta give and take.

as one move on in life, there is no end to the boundless mystery waiting to be encountered and experienced by one...

2009 June

2009-06-10T23:52:00.003+08:00

Another month over....

Emotions running by everday....

Sadness, despair, melancholy, regrets, loneliness.

Time to start all over again i guess.

Its been a long time since i have been deciving myself. Finally its time to face the reality. Wasted time and money on it. I guess enough is enough. Sorry.... i guess i can always rely on your to be there for me. I wonder what would have happened without your.

I shall promise myself to not do any more stupid things. First step is to go and sleep!!! and get back all my good habits. I guess old is still good.

I guess i am happy about this. But i think the cost is still too great. Imagine what i could have done with all those things.... Sigh...

At the end of the day, there is only them you can rely on... Thanks for everything...

quick post

2009-05-23T22:43:00.002+08:00

here is a quick one before i start my assignment. Oh man its 1045.... gotta to start soon and hopefully finish asap by 1130 then go sleep. haven been sleeping much.

i have so many things to do now. but i realised its not that i dun have time to them all. its cause of bad management and gaming. i have got to stop gaming already. it taking up alot of my time. i need to tell myself to work before play. i can't ask anyone for help in this. i dun think anyone can help me anyway.

sometimes i wonder why i am so alone in this world...

limit

2009-05-23T08:25:00.001+08:00

i am already at my limit.

xin shi cong cong

2009-05-16T00:41:00.002+08:00

i think i did many bad things in life. and i can't seem to forgive myself somehow. only God and i know. many thats why i tend to believe in karma.

i thought that his year is gonna be better. But it feels worse that last year. i screwed up more this year. its worse cause you know you did more wrongs that you could have avoided.

you know when you play a game till you reach a point whereby everything seems repetitive and boring? but you are still quite a way from completing it. therefore you won't finish the game and decide to quit it. my life seems like that game. too bad i can't quit.

i wonder what i am suppose to do next? whats next in my life? i am moving because people tell me to or wishes me too. i dun really feel like i have something i want already. if i do, it just seems too hard to achieve. or maybe even impossible already. so tiring, to struggle and not achieve anything. i think thats how majority of the people live. such a sad life. i think life seems more meaningless each day...

Not complaining

2009-04-23T00:43:00.002+08:00

this is not a complaining post. But i am feeling quite sleepy so a lot of crap might come out. haha so please dun mind my language and my tone. Its more of a reflection on what is happening to my life now.

Been quite tired and jaded for awhile. I can't remember when it started or how it started. But it did start. Halfway through my lesson today i realised i was losing my laughter. Saddening, when my whole class was laughing, i just felt stone. Maybe i was too tired. After awhile, i lightening up my mood a bit and it was a bit to join in with my class, so it wasn't so bad.

Haha, and i just finished editing my assignment. Oh man, i think it still need alot of work. But i am too lazy to think. Just going to see when else i can squeeze in my time to do it. Still got my group work... oh man... nvm think later.

I think i am too caught up with meeting people's expectations. Alot of the things i do now it for that. Ok maybe not alot but enough to make me scared. I am damn afraid i am going to forget to do something nowadays. I am still able to do everything, but sometimes i just tend to forget and think that i got nothing else to do le. I am quite happy doing them but i am just really afraid i will forget. I think its worth it just to make everyone feel happy.

Then there are those things you have committed too and can't just quit halfway. you just get stuck to it. and hoping that it will finish soon. At first you thought its important to have them, then you realised actual its not. Sometimes you just have to weigh whether the effort is wortht eh results. sorry for being practical but thats life. Suck right?

And then there are those that you like doing! but then you still will get tired because you are DOING!!! haha. its not so bad, there are ups and downs. But it can be really fun! and really interesting!

Then there are also those things you do to just stop thinking. Its a form of escape for me. Back to the good old days when i do those things to escape as well. Haha, i guess it is fun also, but too much is really bad for health. And it ruins your balance. Alot. very very bad.

Then there are those things that you CAN'T do. You just feel helpless that you can't be there at that time. But i guess i leave everything to god. I feel very very sucky for not being there. worse still you found out much later, and you know you can't do anything about it le and even if you knew about it earlier you also can't do anything about it. So you let it go. And you start to let everything go. Buts its ok, God i leave it in your hands.

Then there are those things that you have only one answer to. If though you might very very complicated feelings, you can have only one simple answer. You just can't tell people how you feel and just lock everything up inside you. You ask yourself whats the point of saying it? Make others think more? Worry more? What it is that you want by saying? Nothing, i just want everyone to be happy. So i dun say. I thot its a good choice, but sometimes you just dunno. Especailly from the things people say and do. You tend to relate to it and reflect upon it. And you feel more sucky. Just wanna let it out you know... And when you find no way too, i just you just leave it la. For the best. And you dun feel that bad after awhile anyway, haha.

At the end of it i just tell myself, i need a long long break. Really long one! haha but not so soon la. i mean where got time? zzz.... I envy those who can just do whatever they want. i think thats why i keep playing my ds so much. at least i am doing something 'fun'. even studying seems better than this really. at least they have an excuse to avoid things. I dun... Now i just feel like scolding a bad word and just end this. But i won't. Got to live up to the expectations of being in control as well. expectations expectations expectations. what do you want me to say? no ah? impossible right? i think its alright to do everything, but sometimes i just wish i can suffer abit lesser going through everything. haha humans just want the easy way out right? me too! i am human! i think sometimes even i forget that myself. lol

thinking back, my senior told me i am happier. i think i am, but on the inside i feel much more of everything as well... everything i magnified, including happiness of course.

ok i am not complain. i am just reflecting and that has to include emotions. not complaining, going to sleep....

Water's Nap

2009-04-12T20:55:00.001+08:00

Deep deep, in the translucence of the ocean's bottom
Small flowers are dozing off
The melody of the sweet wind passes through a rainbow
As fish play in the sky

Everyone is playing the melody of love
Showered in a warm light
Within the waters embrace
That gaze dissolves and flows away

If you listen carefully, the whispered melody of the constellations can be heard
The pale flame that is flicking
Cupped gently in your hands, is evidence of life
Why don't you try dipping it into the sea of stars

Even tonight, the legend comes full circle
Lighting up the night sky
As if longing to meld the past and the future
Let's dream

Everyone is playing the melody of love
Showered in a warm light
Within the waters embrace
That gaze dissolves and flows away

Tonight, as the legend comes full circle
Lighting up the night sky
As if longing to meld the past and the future
Let's dream

Voyage

2009-04-12T20:53:00.001+08:00

We travel this road to find happiness.
See? You look good with a smile on your face.

These beautiful, fragile days are reborn, unfaded.

In the season of dazzling burned seas
and in the season of dancing snowflakes

whenever I turned around, you were there.

We travel this road to find happiness.
Everyone is a traveler, carrying his own never-healing wounds.
See? You look good with a smile on your face.

How many times have I gotten lost?
Every time, the one who extended his

warm helping hand was you.

At the end of this long path, what will we think?
Everyone is a traveler, wandering about in search of love.
Let's go together until we tire of it.

Tired of Life 2

2009-04-06T07:18:00.003+08:00

Everybody thinks that i am in a slack vocation. But then i seem to be as tired as anyone else. So much expectations and so much work. Sigh... i dun think i am slack at all. One day my mum just came to tell me why i seem so busy. Can't i stop doing something so i can have more rest. She told me to not go back to school or join outside band. So i dunno how i am suppose to break the alumni band thing to her. Think she will scream at me la.

Too much random thoughts in my mind. Why can't there just stop. How i wish things could be simpler.
Or maybe there should just end...
i think i am losing motivation in a lot of things. Maybe i am really over exhausting myself ba...

Tired of Life

2009-04-05T21:12:00.002+08:00

Life's been tiring.... lots of things have been piling up recently. Helping out with AC Band, starting of alumni, westwind concert, band activities increasing, test, and lots of rather random stuff... Not been resting well for 2 weeks plus or so. Wish my hectic schedule could stop soon. But i doubt it will. Have to tahan until may. Think should be fine la. 2 weeks already. like super fast liddat. another 4 weeks more only i think. no 5 weeks. till the end of SYF and settling of alumni.

Maybe thats why i haven been blogging. No mood to blog and no time to blog. Even now i dunno wad i am typing here. HAHA. Yeah, been escaping into my world of games to like try to give myself a break. But i think its only making me more tiring. Needa focus more on God and start play piano again. Zzz... ok off to finish up the alumni contact list....

Relationships

2009-03-05T07:56:00.002+08:00

In all relationships, to create a strong bond, i believe that the most fundamental issue lies with trust. Of cause it is easy to say that trust is definitely one of the most important factor is any relationship. But how easy is it for us to actually trust one another.

Maybe to trust we can first start by looking at telling each other the truth. I guess that transparency is good such that we can have more trust. Cause we don't need to double guess each other and at the same time doubt each other. Of course by telling each other the truth we also will automatically try to restrict our own negative and wrong thoughts about each other. Because you will feel guilty for not telling each other about your thoughts and when you start saying them out, you will feel much better and not feel that way anymore. An example will be like being angry at your parents maybe? Sometimes you parents can be restrictive and over protective. However if you are able to express this feelings appropriately to them, you won't feel so angry anymore. Haha, but its just an example, inreality i think its hard to express what you really think to your parents due to the traditional kind of thinking. But its not wrong, just that we will have to find another outlet for our anger.

To be able to trust i guess we must also try to understand each other. Its not easy to to do that though. Thats like even harder than trying to guess the toto or 4D numbers. And the more you understand about each other, the more differences you might find and thus more conflicts. But i don't believe in finding someone exactly same as you to be your friend. I think that have different character in a group will bring more life and dynamics to the group. Does that mean we won't be able to understand the others and also trust them. I think the answer is no. To trust is think we do not need to understand everything about one another. If you try to, you will be guessing and that will decrease the trust. To guess is to not trust. To trust is to putting your relationship is their hands as well as your own. To let it grow without having to forcing it to grow by trying to know more about each other. Sometimes best of friends don't understand each at all but they are still best of friends. Thats because they can trust without any prerequiste and conditions. Thats difficult but powerful. If you trust you will know that everything will be known to you in time. Its like faith in God. You don't know, you can't see, smell, feel, taste or even hear him. But if you believe in him he will slowly let you know him. By trusting him, you give him room to work in your life. Thats why God is like a friend. Probably your best friend cause he will never abandon you unless you choose to abandon him.

Yup so i feel that honesty and acceptance are important in a relationship. Any kind. There is no need to understand fully, but to be able to put relationship into the hands of your friends. Just as your friends are putting it in your hands.

Dead blog

2009-03-04T21:03:00.003+08:00

What a dead blog. I have decided to continue my rantings. Haha. Although i kind of think i am blog alot of rubbish.

Wanted to change my skins back to my old one. Like the old old one from my previous blog. But decided not to le. Cause i think my current skin is nicer than my old ones. Gonna add a tagboard though. Think i can make this blog public. Maybe i shld advertise it like ony msn. Nah will think about it.

So today what to talk about? ok having a random thought now. If you were reborned or given another chance to live again, whould you want to be a guy or a girl? Haha kope this from a TV program actually. But i guess it kinda triggered my thoughts a little.

For me i think i don't mind being either. But think for now i like being a guy. And i really dun mind being one again. Being a guy gives you more freedom in a sense i guess. At the end of a day, in a relationship, the girl will also be the ones to lose out. There are also stereotypical ideas about girls which i will prefer to ignore. So in other words guy seem to have the easier time. Oh and the house work is normally done by the girls!!!! But i have doubts about that nowadays. I seriously think alot of girls these days can't do housework. Seriously bad at doing them.

Of course there are also advantages of being a girl. Like guys have to be gentlemanly to the girls. And also girls can wear guyish clothers but guys wearing girlish girls will be weird. Also girls nowadays are really pampered by the guys. Ok la, maybe only during courtship. Haha sorry ah, i think guys like just liddat. Once they get their goods, they dun care anymore. Bad right? Ok but not all guys are jerks i guess. Oh and girls have advantages at getting jobs also. Especially if the girl is very pretty. All the guys are like perverted de i think, especially bosses. Like to hire pretty employees and secretary. Seriously, they hiring them to do the job or to be looked at? I wonder.

Ok i think enough of crap. I feel really unintellectual saying all these things. will end here for now.

feburary

2009-02-08T22:33:00.002+08:00

its feb... oh man... how long more to ord...

i think this blog like alot of pple know le. zz.... suppose to not let so many pple know de.

ok anyway, blogging is suppose to let everyone know de i guess. if not no point blogging also right? haha.

but anyway its half dead of a blog le. if people still read i think there is nothing much to read also..

ah.... i am damn tired....

in life, there are many things you encounter. and there are many things you have to do. when u keep doing and doing and encountering and encountering you will start to realise you dunno what you are doing. Take a step back and look at everything around u and ask yourself, are you doing what u want to do? or have you been influenced by what everyone want you to do? or perhaps u are just scrapping through life? there are many possiblilties. but do people ever take a step back and ask themselves those questions?

we live in a very sad world whereby everyone is interlinked. U can't live on your own i guess. thats why everything you do is influenced by someone else perhaps? am i right to say that? its good to rely on people. U feel happiness, saddness, anger, jealousy, envy, pain and many more feelings. But it makes life very tiring at the same time.

then at times when u wanna be nice so you try to help people. you empathise with them. you care. but sometimes u are just wasting your energy. Might as well help those that will accept help. Even help is selective. grrr.... humans are such bias creatures. how do you even trust one of these?

i dun even know why i am blogging about this. must be too tired.

rid me of everything and especially all worries. sometimes i rather give up everything than to feel something. i just want to be there with you.

blog for the sake of blogging

2009-01-31T00:30:00.003+08:00

Humans are very untrustable. U never really know what they are thinking. Its really hard to tell sometimes. Even the person himself might not know everything about himself. Just give an example. Like people sleep walking. They dunno what they r doing. It applies to everything we do somethings.

Everyone wants to think they are nice. They like to judge people and catergorise them into A/B/C and so on. For what? So that they can feel better about themselves. See how selfish humans are. Sry i am going to be super negative. When concern for people occurs, it is actually due to transference of personal experience to other people's lives. Its cause when your own live is not doing well thats why u want others to be better. So in the end care and concern is it for yourself, or for others? I dunno. U decide and u think for yourself. I think i have already state my stand on this. Thats why humans can't be trusted. Ok maybe not all humans. I know i can't be trusted. Full of evil thots i have.

So what is the meaning in life? Why the need to learn and gain knowledge? Why the need to work our ass off so that we can earn enough to enjoy life? Why the need to get married and have kids? So many whys and so little time.

I hate myself everyday a little more. Cause everyday i do an extra bad thing. It can be just a minor thing like a small evil thot or small laidback action. But nevertheless its cause there is darkness in our hearts. In yin yang, there needs to be equal balance of good and evil. that is quite common knowledge. The principal of duality. But the 2nd part of that theory is that in every good there is a little evil and in every evil there is a little good. haha. actually that sounds good right? i mean that means that there is goodness in everything. But i see it a different way, there is darkness in everything. Nothing is pure.

ok enough of negativity. I think i will commite suicide or something if i ramble on. argh....

the chinese lunar new year

2009-01-25T20:45:00.002+08:00

wow, last year this year i think i am still stuck in tekong. looks like i survived through the first year of ns. Yeah i must agree with my mum that it is definitely a good journey to go through. I felt that i changed alot. and i felt that they are all for the better. But that is not for me to judge. Its for everyone ard me and for him to judge. Most importantly for him i think. oh well but i didn't change cause i needed anyone's acknowledgement anyway.

reunion dinner was heartwarming and full of laughter. Especially when there are children around. No matter how naughty they are, they are still a bundle of joy to everyone.

i think i still got a long way to go. a lot to learn. To be wise. To be patient. To be tolerant. To be kind. To be caring. To know when and where. and the list goes on.

I can't wait to see where life leads me. I wonder why.

2009-01-04T00:55:00.002+08:00

turmoil and anguish have been unleashed upon thy world
human thoughts are deceiving and full of illusions
power hunger, strive for control, survival
causes for the divide and the confusion laid upon this land
there can only be one, the one and only
which?
only by faith and not by sight
only by heart and not by mind

new year and friends

2008-12-25T21:38:00.003+08:00

it feels very lonely this year end. seriously i suck at keeping contacts with people. i feel so failure now. i really only learn to treasure people when i lose them. this is bad...

ok la maybe its not so bad. ya i am sure if i make an effort i can still talk to people. maybe it will feel weird at first but i am sure it will be fine later. haha i think i am just lazy to talk to people in the first place. so i shldn't complain about not having friends.

gosh... ok i gotta rephrase everything. its actually not lonely this year end, i just realised cause i am just too busy. thats why i can't keep in contact with pple. sigh... what did i get myself into.... ok la its not so bad, i still get to meet people and see people. i think i just need to adjust. plus studying and everything, its gonna be tough but i must endure!!!

today feels like one of those sad day. actually it is. blah... what to do what to do? i must ignore. and i must endure.

2008-12-25T08:02:00.002+08:00

Thot that the previous post would be my last post in dec, but maybe there might still be more to come. little sleep and complain in the morning doesn't bode well at all.

the water in the morning feel icy cold and i just wondered if the world had turned so as well. oh well just a random thought. maybe its me who has turned cold. but i am determined to change that, i need to know what i really want now. it never felt so hard before but i am definitely more sure of what i am doing now.

2 complain, 1 joke and awhole lot about problems. what a morning. then i turn cynical and criticise everything in the little head of mine. but i think i stopped before i even started. sometimes pessimism seem to be an addiction that allow me not be involved in the pain and misery in the world. haha maybe it isn't so bad after all. yup i think i can see things in a different light. maybe i dun really adapt well to changes. haha so random.

ok nvm. i gotta stop dwelling in it. dun worry please. you know i am telling u. even though it seems like its gonna rain i am sure it will be agreat day ahead. time to get to spring cleaning!

first/last post in DEC

2008-12-24T22:24:00.004+08:00

whoa i realised i didn't blog since the end of november. wonder what came over me. anyway just came back from penang last night.

Firstly let me complain. Why can't people dun be so gossipy!!!!! gosh. i guess human beings means that gossiping is what being human is all about.

And i realised my eyes are red, didn't realised until now. I wonder what is happening to me and why i am so tired. But at the same time i want to work, do something, and not just play or enjoy my day away. These kind of days seem sinful and i can't seem to deal with it. Haha becoming a workaholic or always have been a workaholic. Thinking about work, think i am gonna study until christmas, i rest for so many days and the urge to study is just like so huge now.

I think i have really been lazy and bad, never read the bible for so long.... although i promised myself that i am going to do it at least every alternate nights. Tonight might just be a good night to pick it up again.

Talking about the bible reminds me of what my dad told me about christianity in penang. Something about better to be a catholic than a methodist? i wonder what is really the difference. Why can't things just be simplier? I think i will just go ask my friend about it. really dunno much in this area.

Life has been unpredictable lately. I wonder what else is gonna happen.

I am determined to quit my bad habit in this new year. I am gonna not do it for one year. After one year my addict should stop. I must do it, this is my last pitfall that i have to overcome.

I think i need to start letting God really come into me, i wonder how much faith i really have in christainity as a religion. Maybe like all they say, i have to rely on the strength of god or i really can't move on. So many things i want to do, so little time and energy, i am merely an insignificant being. Sigh...

Ok so many other things to blog about but i am really lazy to talk about everything. For now everything will stay in me. Maybe it will slowly come out.

2008-11-29T20:25:00.003+08:00

On the 29th of november, i think i learnt to be more accepting of things and behaviour. Its so difficult to let go of things that are outside of our personality and behaviour. While letting go is one thing, accepting is another too. And its even tougher. Resistance is futile.

When you have hurt someone too deeply, it is impossible to make up for it. Not matter how hard to try to do your best to recover the relationship, it is just not possible to erase everything. Its tough when you try to move closer but the person just move further away. Definitely need o try alot harder if i want any improvements from it. But it just seems so hard to start in the first place. It just sad. Very sad. No matter how much you regret it its already too late. You can only just blame yourself from being too immature and stupid from creating the whole mess in the first place.

It hard to see your friend going through a hard time when you can't do anything to help. I guess you are not suppose to help everybody in the world. But its tough to just let things go by and not doing anything.

I guess its tough to concentrate on too many things at once. Or maybe i have to be selfless.

I like comedies. Definitely gotta watch more of it.

Relationships are some of the most beautiful things in the world.

ethics in counselling

2008-11-29T00:59:00.002+08:00

Zzz.... My first module for my night school. Ok at first i was quite unimpressed by the topic. Like its gonna be quite boring and dry. But after reading mso many articles on it, i realised that it is very dynamic and interesting. There are actually not much things to memorised and alot of case by case issue to know of. I think in the end it requires alot of first hand experiences and critical and fast thinking. And i realised that counselling is not just cilent centred by counsellor centred as well. Many things revolves around the relationship between you and your client. And sometimes it can end up as being just one person because you are suppose to enter your clents world and empathise with him.

But i do realised that after reading on many psychology books, it is actually very broad and deep topic. So different from i usually studied from sec school to jc. Its gonna be tough. Wonder if i really shld do it. But i dun really want to think about it. I just want to continue my life being happy hopefully. And i think i must be crazy to say this, i think studying can be fun at times. Haha or maybe just knowing more things gives u a sense of satisfaction. Although i keep complaining about studying, i think in the end without a balance of everything, life will be really boring.

Platonic relationships is really tough i tell you. Whenever u see two people of the opposite sex together, there is definitely something going on. And it can't be just that simple. I have a friend who once told me that two people of the opposite sex that does not physically reject each other is not possible to have a purely plationic relationship. When i first hear that i ddin't really thot much about it. But much thot, much talking to friends with tonnes of experiences (i think i really pei fu those people) i realised one thing. Its not really that tough. Haha i dunno. Maybe cause i am not some horny 'bastards' like some of my friends. Sorry about my coarse language.Actually platonic relationship is actually those that i think i cherish alot more. Because the things that u hear and the things can converse about it very interesting and enlightening. I dunno. Maybe its just me. I think i read too much psycho books really. haha.

shadow

2008-11-22T22:14:00.002+08:00

the shadow of oneself likes to project itself onto others. i think it is just unfair that we will often become what we do not want to become. doesn't mean that u know the good you will do the good. life is just so ironic.

2008-11-22T00:18:00.003+08:00

I was thinking again during NIE band prac. Looking at all the 15,16,17 yrs old young kids made me realised how much of time i had wasted since sec school. Hmm... if i had planned and knew what i wanted 3 years ago things would have worked out much better now. Everything is so uncertain because of that. Argh so frustrated with myself sometimes.

And i feel so old le. No longer as young even though i am only 19? Dun feel like i still can go around screaming and shouting like kids. Running around and playing. i dunno just dun feel like it. no more energy in life le. they always say to be young u just have to young at heart but i think i am old at heart le.... gosh...

very sick of studying. just thinking about more studying from dec onwards makes me wanna stay in nov. i dunno how i sustain myself one. i am seriously running out of entertainments in life le. Everything is starting to be a chore in life. Argh so negative. I think i read too much of a certain book which keeps talking about embracing darkness.

why do good people do bad things?
because there are no good people.

You are in a room that is so bright i cannot see my fingers
everything looks piercing to the eyes but there seemed pure and heavenly
But as you look down on the ground you realised darkness was there,
Your shadow is there.
You start to recognise your face, body , soul
Your eyes truly open and there was no longer light.
There was everything and everywhere but there was no light.
And you are truly dark and opaque black.
Then you realised there is no true white but only whiteness
In comparision to your body and soul

2008-11-19T16:07:00.000+08:00

Sian sian sian....

I need to practice harder. So hard to get things perfect. Hands breaking le still not much progress. No talent. Must use more hardworking to make up for it.

Argh... frustation...

2008-11-16T17:44:00.002+08:00

another week. looks like i survived somehow. Even though i tell people to always tell and say out their problems. I find it hard for me to say mine to others. But i think its good. Haha if not next time when i counsel people, the counsellor become the counsellee.

As people get older, do they become bolder and become more obliviously to others? Must they feel that everyone else must give way to them? I use to be quite angry at those ignorant elderly but nowadays i think i really empathise with them. I think it will be much easier for us as youths to look out for them instead of only blaming others when things happen.

Babies are really like clean sheets of paper. If left alone, they will dirty and soil themselves. Thats why they need a good environment to live in. So that they can be kept pure and clean. When people say that humans are naturally good or bad, i believe in neither. I only believe that we are all neutral and society will definitely lead us the wrong way if we are not educated properly. Just like it is easier for a piece of paper to become dirty then to stay clean, it is easier for us to learn the bad things than the good. Such a sad world.

Playing multiple roles in the family is hard. Having to be the man of the house, the honours student, the filial son, the helpful child, the accomodating daughter? I dunno what else. Going out with 4 aunties, 1 cousin and 1 stranger was definitely not a good experience at the start. But i guess i just got used to it and shut myself out. I use to think that going out with the family was important for bonding. But i think it can have adverse effects when dealt with incorrectly. The orderly life from p1 to sec 4 i no longer there. I still rmb dr lee tell me why are u so afraid of girls last time? My mum was the only girl that i had proper contact with. now i think back, it is really having a very negative impact on me. I think i really have changed alot. No longer the mommies boy i use to be. Trying to struggle to get out of my mold, its so hard when i am constantly reminded of it. Maybe it will all be better when my dad is no longer working overseas...

U think that u will get used to it after living the same life for 10 or more years. Everything was calm, blissful with the occassional hiccups. Then everything changes and u are exposed to a new world. A world where there are so many things to learn, experience, endure through. Just a small interrupt and destroy everything that was once peaceful. hai...

I have stopped hoping for anything already. I think in order for things to be happier, everything has to move on. And maybe by moving on, what we hope for then can come true. Clinging on the the tine bit of hope is good. But always remember that life have to move on. Only when the wheel of fortune continue to spin, will we have the chance for that hope to be realised again. Yeah hope and walk. Do not hope and sit there, cry, indulged in self pitiful, hoping even more that people will pull u along. Only when u start walking by urself will things move faster and the wheel spinning faster.

There is still a lots more to learn and understand in live. To think that even at the very last moment before ur death, u might still learn something new before moving on the learn about death.

I think i can really find peace there. Everybody seems kinds, friendly and helpful somehow. I think its been a long long time since i have dwell in such an environment. The world is just full of danger and humans. Perhaps they won't understand but i think as long as nothing bad happens, it is a good thing in itself already.

Full of emotions, full of sorrow,
but yet the source is unknown.
Blinded by the past and molded by the present,
he is led only towards darkness
at the end of the path, nothingness
or just a dream untold, unspoken, unrevealed
music, tranquility
solace he will find alone

What a day

2008-11-09T16:54:00.002+08:00

Sunday. Today was a lousy day. I never thought i am going to blog about negative feelings again. But today was overwhelming. I guess it started yesterday on saturday. I was bored of everything. Including gaming and playing piano and lots of other things. What a weekend indeed. Firstly, it was going to be my first step to go to church. Everything seemed fine. But then i was LATE!!!! ok la just late meeting with my friend. So in the end not late of the service. And i was sleepy during the service. Whew... but i still managed to focus for most of it. Yup. After that thot that it was going to be a smooth sailing day ahead. Ok i thought wrong. Went to my grandma's house to bake as usual. Then my mum got pissed off cause my aunt said her eggs not fresh or something. Theen he also broke one egg yolk by accident. Then she said it wasn't a good day. Angrily stomped out of the kitchen to read her newspaper. Like a kid. I also dunno what to say. But i was calm and relaxed and told myself baking will be ok. Despite the fact that my aunt kept talking about this and that. (her, i think it will be ok.... no no this recipe is weird...i think... i think... argh.... seriously... end up half the thing she said not true) Then there was shouting and arguments. And some sarcastic comments from my mum. I learnt not to listen to the experienced or the media. I should always only believe in what i can see and can analyse.

Alright baking is over... i thought it was abit of torture. But it was ok. The cake was rather successful. Very spongy but just too dry. Abit more butter to the recipe will do. JUst when i tought it was over. I DROPPED my friend's psp.... ZZZ..... and it spoiled. Hai.... So i had to go all the way to hougang to repair it. going to cost 120-140.... Ok that wasn't so bad. After all its only extra trip and money wasted. What was worse was everything else. More sarcasism from my mum.... THen i got pissed off and blamed her for it. (ok my fault) Then she got pissed off again. Nvm... I seriously dun care about her. Later she commented that the 200 from ym ippt gold just got wasted liddat. Ok fine... i know i like to waste money. And she told me to return the psp to my friend after its repaired. Like YES I KNOW!!!! omg. i dunno what she wants from me. Control everything in my life maybe. Then she told me about how money keep flowing out and not coming in. SO NOW ITS MY FAULT??? Damn it. I am so going to pay my own phone bills. I swear. She also bugged me to go down to lavender to get my passport done. (cause i tried to do it online and then got some error. They claim that it has been submitted but i didn't recevie any confirmation so still waiting) Thats not the bad part. She just keep hounding on the fact that it failed. And why is the system so lousy nowadays. I just feel like telling her... its just liddat. WHat do u expect from the internet? Like wth... chill it man. Seriously? There is nothing wrong with it screwing up. Alot of things screw up in this world. Including whatever admin work she does.

Then there is the problem of my diploma course. They send this letter claiming that i have to go through 4 bridging modules to get the diploma which is totally unrelated to it. Then keep saying this kind of school so screwed up. Cheat us. blah blah.... Ok fine i get the picture. I will ask them when i go for my orientation. NO.................. She insist on calling them. Then if i have to take those module i will just cancel the course and take back the course money. Blah blah... I was so sian about it then i just ok.... ok.... ok.... Maybe i seemed abit too laid back about it.

I dunno whether i am angry with myself or with her. OR maybe i am just not angry but i am just sian. I hope chucking it all here helps me too release my unhappiness. But i know one day i will break away from my parents. Even though i think they already feel i am very far from them. But i still try my best to say whatever i feel comfortable saying. N i tolerate whatever nonsense they throw as me. Whatever 'insults' and comments they give me. After all i know that as long as they dun comment on me means i am good. I dun expect anything praises already. I feel that i am so untrusted. Thats why i like sleeping by myself. In my room. (Ya i still sleep with my mum when my dad is not around cause she wants to save aircon money, not like i need aircon. what the heck) I think i will never be able to tell them how i feel. I am brought up this way. Family is my priority over everythign else. No matter what i can't ever leave them. Yeah. But i know that i no longer want to rely on them. I want to get my own scholarship. Pay for my own expenses and school fees. Work and pay for own post graduate. I hate myself for saying all these. I am afraid i will become my parents one day. Thats why i hate myself more. Cause one day i will become my own nightmare. Home doesn't feel like home anymore. I only like my home when my parents are not around. Sometimes i think even though my grandma is more stubborn and unreasonable. I can relate to it. Cause i can understand her way of thinking. I can understand her reason. But i can never understand my parents. Or rather i dun want to understand or face it. I know the truth is too cruel for me to accept it. Sigh...

Psychopathology of Everyday Life

2008-10-28T22:47:00.002+08:00

The title of this blog post is the title of a book i just read by Sigmund Freud. He suggests that every actions/mistake taken by human beings is affected by ones subconsicousness. This is provided that they are consicously not thinking of what they are doing at that time. Therefore, any slip in actions or accidental mistakes done by a person can actually be affected by things that had happened to him before or memories related to his childhood. Besides these two ways, there are still many other subconsicous reason taht can affect us. I am deeply impressed by the examples cites by Freud. Even though he had no real sceintific experiments to prove his theory, he was able to come up with numerous examples to back this theory. And furthermore, his analyst are extremely critical and his creativity allows him to link seemingly unrelated ideas together.

This idea is actually very scary because it shows that no matter how irrational our actions may seem sometimes, they are actually very related to how we actually feel and how we think. Therefore, we are able to actually predict people's action if we have enough information on hand. That is a very scary thought. We are able to read people's mind, every action can be predicted and even controlled by altering the ideas in someone's head. Perfection is no long just a dream but a reality.

Sometimes, i wonder what my body react is actually very related to what i think. I always skip meals nowadays and i realised that when that happens, my stomach dun feel hungry sometimes but yet at few occasions, i can feel extreme grastric pains or extremely hungry. This might be due to the fact that i want to punish my own body and thus causing my body to react that way. Therefore, it can allow me not to eat at regular timings. My mum told me that this can affect my stomach digestive system because it can sometimes overwork(when i feel extremely hungry) and under work (when i don't eat at all). This will then cause digestive problems. Then i will somehow end up like my dad in the end. Maybe subconsicously i am trying to model my dad. But i don't understand why. Maybe if i dwell further into it i might figure something out someday. Scary isn't it? Haha.

2008-10-18T23:18:00.001+08:00

I hate being myself. Irony of it all is that what i hate is what i am. Yes we humans are 'profound' creatures. I am sure...

2008-10-18T22:50:00.002+08:00

Weird isn't it? Life that is... Every second you proceed on in life you step one step closer to death. Pondering about life and death is bringing me not where closer to the meaning of life. But i just think that it is a very cool thing to know what death really is all about. What if u wake up after dying and see the buddha in front of you. All the devoted christians in the world are going to be so shock that they might not be able to take it. Haha. Perhaps you will not even feel that way anymore when u are dead.

For a moment today, i felt that i was closer to death than any other moment in my life. For a split second i felt nothing. Like everything in my life has been fulfilled and done. All the jigsaw puzzles are formed up and in place. Then i felt like.... thats all. For a moment i thought that i was going to die anytime. Sounds scary but there was a calmness to all that.

Wow. A whole lot of nonsense.

18/12

2008-10-18T01:41:00.001+08:00

1812 overture...

Emptiness

Can't cry

Wanna scream

frustration.....

2008-10-14T22:55:00.002+08:00

Why can't i make up my mind? The idea of taking psychology always come back to me no matter what. Hai.... KUSO!!!

Everytime people tell me, 'why u keep studying one?', 'Aiya, dunnid to do so much la, u sure pass de', 'Haha, u going for wad today arh? Driving lesson or Jap lesson or Theory lesson?' I just feel so.... argh...

Keeping myself occupied is good i guess but i wonder if i went too far already. Sigh... I really dunno what i am doing all these for.

I really have no goal. Or no courage to go for my goal.

I think i need more sleep. Definitely.

Humans and Illusions

2008-10-11T23:47:00.002+08:00

Human beings are all susceptible to illusions. Depending on the situation, they can believe that a straight line is curved or a curved line is straight. Yes, how cruel is the world to humans. No one is spared. Life is cruel, sad and harsh. People force themselves to being something else just for survival.

Saddeness only invites more saddness. Anger only invites more anger. Negativity invites more negativity.

Why haven i realised it?

Affected

2008-10-09T23:36:00.004+08:00

I realised i am very easily affect by what people tell me. Very easily influenced.

Sadness is easily rubbed off onto me. Even though i might not be the one experiencing all the pain, i can feel the sadden overwhelming inside when i see someone suffer. It happens all the time. When i see my friends get scolded by the teacher until like the person almost cry. Or like maybe sometime bad happened to him or things like that. Even when i watch shows, i know that they are made up story, but i still feel very much for the character inside. But ironical, i dun feel it as bad when i undergo the same things myself. I feel very numb when it happens to me. Maybe i aam just too sad to even feel it. Haha. Whatever...

A last minute post b4 i sleep. Gd nite nauxie...

Crappy

2008-10-07T22:30:00.002+08:00

Have been feeling weird this few days. I wonder why. I keep thinking but i just can't find any leads. Maybe something bad is going to happen.

I feel more crappy today after i alighted a bus stop earlier on my way home. I didn't even realise it until i alighted. Its either i have lack of sleep or just plain blur. I dun think i was tired. Was cursing and swearing still when i realised it. Must be damn blur. Sometimes i wonder how i became a leader in sec sch and JC. I am seriously damn blur la.... Alot of luck involved definitely.

I realised i feel cold everywhere i go without the sun. Everywhere is like damn clod for me now suddenly. Even on buses, in rehearsal room, in the office, the the QM room. Oh man...

I realised i like talking to myself alot. Then sort out alot of problems. Haha. Its like the same for the blog. I feel like i am talking to myself when i type here. Always will feel better, like i chuck one part of me away somewhere to sort out by itself later.

When i think about things, it somehow always lead back to why i am here and now? What is my purpose in life? Haha then i will be like... Aiya shit... heck... Sucks to think about it. N i feel damn full of crap now. N i feel angsty. There is definitely something wrong with me thats why i feel so weird. But being in somebody's company help to distract me from this. So thats good. I feel happy when i am with people. Especially people i feel a bond with. And i am happy that my piano is tuned today!!! hahahahahahahahaha.

New Life

2008-10-07T22:27:00.003+08:00

Oh man so cute.... Haha. I just the pure and innocence i see in him. No troubles and no worries. Haha i want to be like him too!!

what a day

2008-10-06T11:42:00.002+08:00

Sometimes i wonder how ugly can humans can. THe things that come out of their mouth can just be so.... yuck...

I think i definitely woke up on the wrong side of bed today. Felt screwed up when i was waiting for my driving lesson. Then my leg started trembling when i drove. Definitely screwed up. Feels like a screwed up day...

helping

2008-10-05T21:28:00.002+08:00

Its kinda tough when u know someone have a problem and u dunno whether u should ask or not. For me, I am always scared that i might be giving the wrong advice. But i won't hesitate to ask about the person's problem. Then i will kind of regret it because i realised i don't know what i should say after that. I might know what i will deal with the situation but i feel that if i told the person the wrong thing i might screw up his life. Hai... Why is it so difficult? Then after everything, i still don't know whether i have done the right thing or not. It sucks to not know whether u have screwed up the person's life or u have made it better. U just can't tell until very much later. It keeps alot of regrets with u and alot of burden stays with u as well. No wonder that say its tough being a nice guy.

I want to understand others better so i can have a better view of the situation. I want to help others. But i have no idea how i should do it.

Ignoring

2008-10-01T08:19:00.002+08:00

Sometimes i just wonder if ignoring something is better or actually hating it when u r really annoyed. Even though people always say u should try to control ur anger, doesn't it show that u no longer care about that person if u just ignore him. Tough choice isn't it? Ignoring makes everything more peaceful with less conflict however does it reqlly improve our relationship? Sometimes ignoring also mean that we have to sustain our anger inside of ourselves which is actually also bad for us. How often do everyone of us actually se our parents quarrel or actually always very loving with each other? This goes for parent children relationships and other relationships as well. I guess we must be able to do what is right at that time and have sort of a balance when it comes to this kind of situations. Fighting back is not always the right thing or the 'nice' thing to do but sometimes we might just have to do it to show that we still love the other person or proof a point to the other person. If we are to always choose to ignore it, we might one day realise that the relationship will slowly drift away....

Missing

2008-09-28T23:28:00.003+08:00

Sometime just feel missing this couple of days. Everytime i will feel like i haven done something for the day. But the fact is that i am always rushing here n there and settling things. So many things unsettled, my outstanding 3 driving lesson that has to be done b4 9th oct or my test will be cancelled. THe end of year chalet. What i wanna study at the end of the year (which night dip course). Been researching on everything including my uni course.... Argh frustrating, everything is so complicated once u step out of JC. Anyway thats not the point. The point is i dunno what i am missing.

Even though i have been complaing about last week, this week seems equally if not worse but i think i got used to it. Got used to not being at home all the time except when i sleep.Even when i sleep i sleep in camp more than half the time during the week. Plus my parents went overseas even lesser time at home cause there is no one to tell me what to do. I think thats what i am missing, my family. But then again i think its not that, i dun feel the urge for them to come back or anything.

So what am i missing? hmm... i dunno. Just the empty feeling at the end of the day. Like u can be fulfilled with what u did for the day but then there is still something i haven done in the end. Maybe i just wish that sometimes the day doesn't end so fast. Then i can live those enjoyable moments more and also do more things.

Man... what am i doing with my life. I have no idea already, living everyday one day at a time just doesn't suit me. I needa plan my life. Something which i can't and i also dun have time to somehow. Always only thinking about the next moment when i have the free time. Just not enough time!!!!!!!

Someone tell me what i should do!!!! i think i know what i missed today le. But then the rest of the days i dunno... hai...

Mind in turmoil

2008-09-22T21:12:00.002+08:00

This post is for me to complain to myself. So anyone who read it just ignore. I just wanna remind myself of this one day again. To see if i have changed...

I can feel myself changing. Becoming more hot tempered and my mind drifting off easily. Harder to concentrate on things and also less tolerant. I think i know how i became liddat. Been trapping too many things in my mind. Many form of unhappiness and sadiness keeps coming and going and i feel that i have no time for rest. Things literally happens one after another. So does my work and things i have to do. So many things i dun even want to name them. (note to self, i think i will still remember them) It is easy to tell people that u shouldn't keep everything to urself but in the end i still keep them to myself. I just dun feel like complaining to people cause i like what i am doing. I shouldn't be complaining about what i am doing if that is the case right? But i can feel my mind crumbling. EVen though when i think about it it isn't something very serious. But i just can tell that i dunno how long i can last doing everything. Reading, doing, listening, organising... Running around all the time. Not staying at home. Not taking to my mum. I am so glad i am home now and taking to my mum alittle. I dun need to complain to people. I feel just a little happy having any random conversation. Not just with my mum. Even with my friends. I wonder how i do all this. Holding everything inside me even when so many things keep happening... I dun even know what i am typing already... Omg... kk i going to rush back to camp.

Many things

2008-09-20T00:26:00.002+08:00

What a heavy week... i feel like alot of things actually happened but actually there is not much.

Alright... mastered the art of resting already. I think anywhere anytime as long as a close my eyes i can sleep and rest. Haha. And somehow i am able to not feel tired even if i dun sleep enough now. I think i have mastered something great. Just have this feeling inside me. Wahaha...

There are 3 things to being human. 1. To be passionate 2. To be focused in what u do 3. To be humane - By some Legend. Definitely something i will remember for life. Haha.... Never really thot how true it is, just sounds impressive and stupid at the same time.

There are also 3 things required for a relationship to be successful. 1. To tell each other everything and anything (Honesty) 2. To Love each other 3. To have comunication - By some experienced friend. Just a random conversation with a friend and he told me this. sounds impressive as well and i am quite convince somehow. haha even though it might be quite common sensical but people just fail to realise it. Especially when lovers get older...

Life is really cruel... The more i ponder about life the more i find it hard to accept. We people are hard creatures to live as and live with at the same time. Dunno why i feel that way... Sigh...

I am afraid. Somehow everytime i suppress my emotions by talking to myself, I am losing part of myself. I am losing the same anger, same saddness and even the same happiness that i use to feel. Everything just seemed so toned down. Like losing one's senses and humanity. Maybe i am thinking to much thats why. Sometimes i dun even feel a thing even if the same thing happened before and i felt very angry or sad before. I think i am losing it... Serious... But at least i am still afraid. But even that doesn't seem so real, as if i planted it there by telling myself i am afraid.

Dear naux,
I think by talking to u i am sometimes able to understand myself better. Although i will prefer not too because i know deep down inside me i am capable of many things which are absolutely evil and unethical. It is scary to know that i am unable to realised myself at all times because of that. I still rmb a senior saying that once in a while taking off ur mask is a good thing, but i dun think i can ever do that. I dun think i will ever get high or drunk on alcohol.

I think i am already half mad. Haha. But at this point all the more i feel like becoming a psychologist. Why can't i just live my own life...

Money

2008-09-17T09:47:00.002+08:00

This is a cruel world we are living in. I am currently reading this book titled 'rich dad, poor dad'. Even though this book is suppose to educate people on how the rich earn money which the poor and middle classes do not know, there is actually no such thing. What the rich have that the poor and middle do not have is actually money. With money, u can use it to make more money and without it, u can't do anything. The author claims that it is a poor person's mindset to say that they have no money, because u must use your brains to actually find money and not just say that it is impossible or it is too risky. However, how many opportunites are there actually for the poor to 'find money' (which is actually investing without cashflow and thereby earning money from buying and selling things off with no capital - a form of risk taking) and thereby from there use the new found money to make money. The book advises people to invest in assets and not liability but how do we know what is what? It is easy to say that u just have to use ur brain and think about which is which and by knowing the market u can minimise the risk. In the end, it is all just a fraud to cheat people into entering the market so that the lucky ones can earn from the unlucky ones. If people are really able to predict the future, they are able to speculate whether a stock will raise and fall at a high percentage, there will not be such a thing as chance. There is no way to actually minimise ur risk (in high risk invesments) but only to invest smartly in different areas whereby some are absolutely safe and and some are just dangerous but high profit investments e.g. 90% in long term insurance and 10% in real estate.

Anyway, the real point of this post is not to insult the book (even though the book is really a fraud in my opinion for the author to earn money from the poor and the middle class). What i am trying to get at is how many people can actually earn money from investments? There is actually a limited amount of money in the market (even though banks and governments can print more). Therefore, only through someone's loss and someone earn. Just like only through someone's defeat can someone win. The world is cruel and selfish. The rich will get richer and the poor will get poorer because the rich have the resources to suck money from the poor. ANd the the rich will never have enough because we man are selfish and are afraid of losing what we have. Therefore to stop that fear of losing, we have to constantly keep winning. The rich will keep sucking money from the poor and the balance can only be maintained by the government. Taxes are said to be the solution that distribution the wealth of the rich to the poor. I think not. There are so many laws and constuition in this world that protects the rich more than the poor. There are legal loopholes which help the rich to pay less taxes than the poor in the end.

Life is just cruel and sad. Thats because humans are selfish creatures and sometimes it takes a mad person to actually show what is goodness and kindness. Because only mad people are able to relieve themselves or human's selfish instinct (from the movie - the man who was superman).

2nd week of Sept

2008-09-13T01:05:00.002+08:00

No inspiration at all this week... Lousy week... feels like its going to be a lousy weekend as well.... So tired aft NIE prac and OCS rehearsal.... I am surprised my mouth didn't rotting after playing and playing. Haha must be getting back my stamina le.

A Checklist for myself

Things to be done:
Go for driving lesson every week
Go for Jap lesson every week
Go for theory lesson every week
Study hard for my music theory
Practice piano whenever i can
Continue to learn baking
Safe money for my clarinet
Quit gaming if its possible....

Things to aim for:
Pass my driving test in my first try on 23rd Oct
Do well for my grade 8 theory on 1st Nov
Bake proper cakes by end of the year
Sign up for night class for diploma by end of the year
Buy a clarinet before i ORD

I need my sleep.... Blardy hell its 1:11 now. need to sleep...

A story...

2008-09-06T14:21:00.002+08:00

Once upon a time, there was a farmer who was always diligently working at his field. However his field is constantly under periods of flood or droughts throughout the year. Even so he never gave up and continued to work hard on this fields. When there are flood he will plant crops which requires a huge amount of water and when there are droughts he will plant crops which survive well under heat. He never really complained much and reaped his share of reward from his hardwork throughout the year. But there are times where he will think to himself why is god so unfair to him. Yet he knows that he shouldn't complain because he thought, all the farmers around the world should also be facing the same problem. N so life was good...

Looking for Stars

2008-09-06T00:53:00.003+08:00

Today was an okay day. Everything was fine. When i met martin, he told me today is a sian day. At first i didn't think about it. But after NIE practice, on my way home, it did feel quite sian. Haha...

Walking under the night sky. Was lonely and cold at first. But as i continued on, it had a feeling of calmness and tranquility. It was quiet, nice and peaceful. As i walked along the dark and deserted street, i thought about it again. About my aim in my life. As usual i didn't have an answer. Just like before...

Walking under the night sky. There are no stars to guide my way. I feel a little lost. But i still have the courage to move on. It wasn't so bad. I could still see what was infront of me and around me. There was still moonlight and signs guiding my way. Maybe its kind of lonely and quiet but there are moments when the cool breeze blows against my face which are refreshing and makes me go on. There might have been hills, mountains or even walls to climb over but nothing impossible for me to pass yet. Sometimes, little stars appear in the night sky which brings a little hope and a little joy. However, even when there are no stars to guide me, i am still walking endlessly and tiredlessly. Because i have the wind. Because i have the moonlight. Because i have my legs. My ever ready and ever hardworking legs bringing me around wherever i may go.

new month

2008-09-04T20:26:00.003+08:00

alright.... its finally sept. Means 1 year and 2 months to ord!!!! Didn't have time to blog about another chapter of my life on the 31st of august so i am updating now to keep a memory of it now. I literally spent the whole day out celebrating yd's bday.... wah was tiring but fun!!! nevertheless another memorable day in life. There were laughter, tears, shoutings, fighting and many other emotions. (not bad ones refering to fighting, shoutings and tears) Haha another chapter that will definitely be remembered.

N the canadian people are back to band... Much more tensed but also much more fun i guess. I have learnt to adept to saf band somehow haha. Still rmbed how sian it was like time. But i guess friends do make a difference.....

human bias

2008-08-30T00:21:00.002+08:00

It is a very common behaviour for us to notice things that we want to look for subconsciously. Like when we just learn a new word, whenever the new word appears again the next few days or weeks we will pay more attention to it and somehow feel that it keeps poping out in our life. Or when we tell ourselves that we need to look for a certain lost item in our room, then we will suddenly find many other things along the way cause we are focusing our attentiont o look for something in the room. This works the same way for how we treat people. If a person gives us a first impression of being neat and tidy, we will often look at the neatness and tidiness that the persons show and further prove to ourselves that he is that kind of person. However, sometimes we might lose out oher important points which actually does not depict so. Same thine when a person gives us a bad impression (example irritating, thereafter everything that person does will be somehow irritating). This is this mentality that actually mislead us most of the time in our lives and make us bias. Therefore, if we tell ourselves that we like this person, no matter what this person does we will think this person is great and good. But at the same time another person might not like him, and thus keep telling himself that alot of things he does is irritating and un-understandable.

Oh well, i guess its impossible to change this. But we actually use this to our advantage. Instead of always thinking of the bad things, we can force ourselves to subconsciously think of the good things. Then we can also try to look out for happy, funny, joyful things in our lives. And not looka t setbacks as demoralising but as a lesson learnt. Then everything will be more positive. Perhaps will we will lead a happier life. I mean our life is already so short, why waste it but being negative all the time?

Laughing

2008-08-30T00:19:00.001+08:00

HA HEE HEE HEE, HA HO HA! HA HO Ho HO HEE HO HEE HO HEE HO HA. HA HO HEE HEE HA HA HO HA HEE HO HA. HA HO HEE HEE HEE HEE, HA HO HO HO HA HO HO, HA HEE HO HO!

Try doing this once in a while, u might just really feel like laughing and make ur life brighter.

morale of the story

2008-08-30T00:14:00.002+08:00

Once upon a time, there was a nonconforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for winter. Soon the weather turned so cold, however, that he reluctantly started to head south. In a short time ice began to form on his wings and he fell to earth in a barnyard. Just then a cow passed by and crapped on the sparrow. The bird thought it was the end, but the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy, he started to sing. Just then a cat came by, heard the chirping, cleared away the manure and ate the bird.

Now, it may seem that there are no lessons here but there are. In fact three:

Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.

Everyone who gets you out of the shit is not necessarily your friend.

If you are warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut.

Some food for thought as too what the three statement actually means....

laughter and pain

2008-08-24T20:40:00.002+08:00

When I'm happy I feel like crying, but when I'm sad i don't feel like laughing. I think its;s better to be happy. Then you get two feelings for the price of one. - Lily Tomlin as Edith Ann

Researched believe that a major source of violence is due to people's inability ro cry. Crying is an importnat part of our pain. loss, and grief. It is one of the primary ways the body relieves tension when under pressure. However, even though we should let ourselves cry when we are upset, we should not keep sticking to it and narrow our vision of our current situation. Because crying involves alot of outlet of negative feelings and causes us to think towards that way more. But if we are able to turn around the situation and look at the humourous side of things, we might be able to see a bigger picture of everything.

Laughter is a very unused and despised tool in the adult world. When we are kids, we are often told by adults, "Settle down", "When are you going to grow up?" when we do something stupid and laugh about it. This deter us from laughing at mistakes we have done and be more serious about it. Seriousness in adulthood represents godliness and laughter makes us look immature. However, we forget that laughter actually helps us to forget about the pain at that moment in time. It gives us a different prespective and make us look at the greater picture. Sometimes it might be even a blessing in disguise. Laughter actually help us to move on in life and ease alot of our pain.

Of course its not possible to see humour in every situation and also not possible to laugh at every situation as well. There are of course times whereby its just not the right time to laugh. However, we must try to learn to identify situation whereby humour is possible. But there is no need to try too hard. Sometimes when we look back at certain mistkaes in our life, we will tend to laugh at it as well. This also helps us to ease the pain. So it does not neccesary has to be at the moment kind of thing.

Laughter is really a good medicine for pain.

mistake

2008-08-19T22:42:00.002+08:00

When one make a mistake, he will often will depress, down and perhaps even starts blaming himself in many ways. At times like this, there will be some people who will keep telling u about ur mistake and talking about it over and over and over and over.... Even though that person will be very irrtated and angry because of that, he can't blame others for saying it and at the same time that anger is built up inside of him. This anger comes from both himself and also from others reprimanding him. But he just can't do anything about it. Its just like being pushed on all sides with no way out at all. The worse thing is when even ur closest friends or family member just keeps harping on it as if u have not learnt ur lesson yet.

Normally at this juncture, two things can happen. one is that the person just explodes and throws his tantrum around. He will anger everyone around him because they will all think that he does not want to admit his mistake. this will cause a misunderstanding because he actually alrready knows his mistake.

Another that can happen is that the persons just keep everything in him, push it into his subconsciousness. This may seem to be the right thing to do because everyone is happy and everything is peace. However, it can have an adverse effect over the long run. The person might lose this selfconfidence and self esteem. He will also be more timid to similar events in the future. Even worse case senarios he will rmb the event for life and haunt him. He will then unknowingly have negative feelings towards those people innvolved in the irritation which sometimes has no basis.

The correct thing to do is actually to find an outlet somewhere to release the stress. U can either find a friend or someone or even something if possible to talk to. It not good to always keep things inside u or just release it right into people's face.

Haha... i think i am either typing a whole lot of nonsense or i am being a good counsellor. Oh well... time to sleep...

Strawberry sponge cake

2008-08-17T15:45:00.004+08:00

Whew... finally something that looks proper in a very long time. But the taste is still not very good. Think i will need to experiment more. Haha but nevertheless a memorable experience.

control

2008-08-17T07:01:00.003+08:00

Yesterday was a gathering at Dr lee's house. Another memorable event that will be marked in my memory forever.

Alcohol is really not good for health. Gives a really bad headache. Slept like for 11 hours....

Guys mostly talk about army stuff, really dun wanna talk about them.

Someone told me that once in a while u should just let urself go free and be urself. Humans more often than not hide behind a mask that is acceptable by others. As they grow up, they will change this mask to adapt to whatever environment they are in. At workplaces, family gatherings, with friends, boy/girlfriends, spouse.... We all have different mask for different situation. People ask, isn't this very fake and is similar to lying? Why can't we just be ourselves? And whats wrong with being ourselves even though it might not be accepted? Isn't this a free society? However, in the end, we can only say that this society is one that rely heavily on images. People are easily outcasted as long as they are different or show signs of weakness in them. And also sometimes the truth is just not good enough, having to lie is just the best solution to the situation.

Yes, being a good person is just not good enough. To show that there is goodness, there must be badness. To have light, we must have darkness. The concept of duality....

eyes

2008-08-16T08:13:00.002+08:00

Have u ever looked into people's eye and feel as if u can see what they have seen with their's? Everyime when i see the same pair of eyes, it becomes more weary and sad. Yet at the same time i can see how the person as undergone more ordeals and has grown stronger. Yes, life is a cruel thing and normally its only when we have seen more cruelity in the world will our will and spirit grow stronger at the sametime.

Eyes, full of sorrow and fury are eyes of the betrayed and hurt. I think i only see joyful and innocent eyes in babies and children nowadays. They are so pure and perfect maybe thats why people always like them and cuddle them.

Experiences are just carved into our eyes and our souls but why do happy ones often stay at the back of our memories and hidden? And yet the hurtful ones stay within our eyes like scars that will never ever recovery even with the passing of time.....

growing up

2008-08-15T20:25:00.002+08:00

U know when kids always think they have grown up and matured and are ready to face the world? But then a few years later they will realise that they seemed to have grown up. Haha how ironic. They once again they feel that they have matured. But yet again they will feel that they have grown up yet again later.

Maybe this only happened to me? I dunno. But the feeling of growing up is good and bad at the same time.

Inspiration

2008-08-15T11:19:00.002+08:00

Its been awhile since i had any inspirational talk with anyone. Haha maybe i ran out of things to think about. But i think that is impossible. Too many things running through my brain now i don't even know what to thing about.

Tiredness,
Spiritual
Physical
Mental
Emotional

Physical, simpliest of all. I sure there is no need to elaborate...

Mental, crack ur brains too much. Happens to me all the time. I think i just think too far ahead. Which is what i try to avoid now. Don't ever make urself mentally tired. Kills a lot of brain cells.

Emotional, haha happens to many people i think. Most of the time its when too many ugly and disappointing things happen to u. I don't think people actually get emotionally tired from being happy all the time. Haha especially when u know some of my friends, they are like 'high' all the time that u wonder if they ever get tired of it. But i guess people need a break too from the same emotions all the time. Imagine u do the same happy thing everyday, eventually u will get sick of it somehow.

Spiritual, this is not the religious kind of spirit. (not a religious person) I think its when u are just being pressed down by too many of a certain thing. (like stress, secrets, human relations, family, friends, expectations, work/homework perhaps...) U just get crushed by it, thats why people need both an inlet and an outlet. Won't u just explode if u store everything inside urself and had no one to confide to? Or maybe u just too tired about it and dun care anymore, thats what i call spiritual tiredness i think.

Ever had all 4 at the same time and felt like the worlds was gonna end? Don't ever want it happening to myself, too tough for me to handle alone.

Did i just crap all that? lol....

New Ways in Psychoanaylsis

2008-08-12T09:32:00.003+08:00

Narcissism - inwardly in love with oneself and seek admiration from others in areas where there is and no adequate foundation for.
Causes - influenced by parents who superimposes their own ambitions onto their child. causes the child to lose the ability to measure his own's values and become dependent on others for opinion. Also caused by direct blows to self esteem, undermined by sibilings (due to preference for other sibilings by parents).
Character trends - increasing unproductivity, striving for admiration. Causes superficaiity, showmanship, opportunism so that he will be socially desirable. He chooses so that he can be popular and not because he personal likes that option.
May eventually hold grievances towards other but he hold others reponsible for this failures and are often hurt by other for not giving that people even attention.

Super ego - rigid and high moral standards. Motivating force in thier lives is a passionate drive toward rectitude and perfection. They feel the need to be in control and blame themselves heavily for their own failures. They feel that they are strong enough to endure any maltreatment without fear, compliance and resentment.
Causes - often were under great authority and thus shift his centre to the authorities. Therefore there is high adherence to standards and thus causing a feeling of superiority. Therefore causes the pursuit of perfectionism and high quality of work.

Masochistic - tendency towards self minimising (feel unattractive, insignificant, inefficient, stupid, worthless). He feels that he is incapable of living without presence, love, friendship of another as he is incapable of living without oxygen. Basically very pessimistic in nature and wish for pity from others.
Characteristic - tend to find security through self belittling by making oneself insignificant, unattractive and inconspicuous. Tend to be easily alarmed when offered a better job or better position somewhere else. Often expresses things in an apologetic way. Also can come with a need for power and control through his very own suffering and helplessness. His friends and famil may sibmit to his wished because they are afraid if they do not there will be an upheaval of some kind.

Did a summary on three different characteristic. I think i can find these behaviours in many people around me somehow. Therefore trying to use this post to remind myself of these characteristic.... Whew.... So which one do u think u are?

Crossroads

2008-08-10T20:38:00.004+08:00

Left... Go for it. Full of ups and downs. But the journey and reward is priceless

Right... Desirable. straight and easy path. Simple but will be a joyful journey ahead. Safe. Secure.

Its just so hard to decide.... So which will u choose?

Another Chapter

2008-08-10T20:33:00.002+08:00

Dark clouds, heavy rain, flooded streets....

Blue sky, light breeze, sunlight, fresh air, green fields....

Feels like another chapter has passed in my life again. Even though a friend is leaving, it is not another sad chapter. It is one of those memories, 10 years down the road, u will think back and smile again.

Haha WCP is so beautiful!!!! Can't wait to go there again....

Understand

2008-08-10T02:43:00.002+08:00

There are people who are outcasted and rejected by others. U pity them and try to help them. However, in the end its really just not worth the effort. I think i finally understand why this happens. Too many times it has happened already.... Too many times....

Maybe i am sleeping too late. Must be too cranky...

sin

2008-08-09T23:21:00.002+08:00

Sin, when one falls short by the standards of God.

Therefore,
Kind deeds done (is sin) because we did it cause we know its good
Bad deeds done (is sin) because we did it cause we know its bad
Knowledge is what makes us sin.
Without knowledge, we wouldn't be able to differentiate between good and bad.
We wouldn't know what emotions we are feeling.
We won't know what is greed, vanity, slander, lie, envy, pining

Only,
Through jesus will all our sins be washed away.
And will we be able to live as the images of god, sinless, perfect.

Thoughts,
Of God cannot be comprehended for we are only human.
Of humans cannot be comprehended for we are only human.

Therefore,
Believe in God....
Believe in Jesus....

Just some random thoughts after a talk with my friend. Haha i am not christain btw...

NDP

2008-08-09T22:59:00.002+08:00

9th of August...

Part of NS is gone....
2/3 left.
Endure MX!!!!
Take this time to relax and enjoy urself

Naux

2008-08-06T17:33:00.002+08:00

Running is so tiring nowadays.... i think back when i was a kid, i dun ever feel tired somehow. But then now ah... run abit then like tired le... must be old le.

Bored...
Ever wished for more free time?
When that time came, you realised u didn't know what to do.
And then there are times when u have so many activities,
And u want a break.
When the break comes,
U look for more things to do.

People look for more freedom.
Then when they gain it,
They want to lose it again.
When u are cared for,
U wished people left u alone.
When u are ignored,
U seek attention and love.

Children wish to grow up.
Adults wish for their childhood.

It is yours,
Treasured it is not.
Yours it isn't,
Wish for it u will.

I wonder what i am going to do when my saturdays are free again.....

Ok lah. life is very relaxed now. I shouldn't complain. I think i should let my brain rest for 2 years (and rot and become stupider). Instead of forever thinking of what i should do during my free time. Haha best is to work i think. Then can earn money to buy things!!!!

Ok anyway. Life is relaxed now. That is all that matters. Haha. I want to relax forever!!!!

August

2008-08-04T15:55:00.002+08:00

N life goes on in august.... Haha i think i really got use to it le... Like i feel happy everyday now. Its a good sign. ! year and 3 months more of rest. N i think i have made up my mind to do actuarial science too. Finally!!! Now just to make use of my remaining time to whatever i want....

Living life

2008-07-30T20:35:00.002+08:00

what so hard about living life? Its just full of ups and downs. Someone close to me told me that today after a whole lot of pessimistic viewpoints from me about life. My theory: death is the relieve of one's life and i am just glad to move on. I am tired of living as a human and even more tired as a nice human. Maybe i just feel that humans are too full of flaws. No one is perfect and it is the unperfectness that makes us human. It is also the unperfectness that makes us beautiful. It is the hope in people's eye and heart then create miracle and give joy to life. It is the struggle that humans put up which makes their life worth more. Even though everyone's life is priceless, you have given your life a value by deciding how to live it. By living it to the fullest, you would have given it the most value it can ever have i guess.

Life is also precious because it is not just yours to begin with. It belongs to everyone that cares and loves you. By taking good care of it, you answer to all those people around you. I guess it is also true that it works the reverse way as well. You bask in the love of those around u, and that is what makes u think that life is worth living and is precious to you. And this is how every individual person work which forms a entire network of bonds and relationships in this world. It is infinitely long and infinitely strong.

I guess living a simple life is actually the easiest to be happy and content. Instead of dwelling too much into it, we should just live life normally and plainly. When humans first started out with sticks and stones, they had lesser problems and lesser worries. Even though life was simple and plain, i believe they all struggle to survive and to live happily with their close one. Haha maybe life should have stayed like that. Instead of having conflicts, jealousy due to complication of our lives, we should have stayed at the stone age. And joy and happyiness would be much purer without any materialistic attachment.

This is for my special friend out there, i don't feel that i am alone. Don't worry, i am not indulging in self pity. In fact i am living a happy life because i know i have many friends i can count on. Many friends that i can go through thick and thin with. Many friends to share my sadness, pain, loneliness, happiness, joy, bitterness and so on... with. Even though i am ok with death, i might think it relieve me of my duties to live on. Even though i might sound i want to die, i actually don't (i think). But i think i have dwelled too much into it to realised that to me death is just as good a thing as living. Or maybe its not ba. I don't know. But i do know that if i continue to live on, i might find the answer i am looking for in life. Maybe i am not meant to find it. But i know that at least living will show me more things that i have not seen or felt before. New experiences that will bring about more colours to my life.

Haha, after talking so much. Maybe i did sound suicidal at first. But i don't think i am.... Shouldn't be ba.... I shall take a step back and let life continue on....

A Legacy of Music Excellence

2008-07-30T20:31:00.002+08:00

I will never ever forget my 2 years in ac band. It truly musical as i listened to the many years of music making done in ac. How i wished such feelings never ended.... However, i know that these beautiful memories will always live in everyone's hearts.... in my heart too...

Ac band, truly a family.....

photos

2008-07-27T19:40:00.002+08:00

A picture is worth a thousand words. I finally felt the full force of it today. I think life is still full or surprises, ups and downs. everyone is moving off in their own way but i still feel stuck at the same spot, lost....

hai.... undescribable saddness.... isit because the girls are all moving off to uni? maybe ba... but it feels like its more than that.... i think its true that we ns people are trapped in a land where time stops...

haha think i must stop thinking on the negative side. cannot be pessimistic

badness

2008-07-26T11:51:00.002+08:00

It only takes one to make it bad and everything else to make it good.... thats why make every human 'bad'. Maybe thats why there is so many show and games about destroying the world. Haha learning to accept badness is a way of life we must learn....

humans

2008-07-26T11:47:00.002+08:00

haha i think we are very interesting creatures. there is nothing human is not capable of. It just amazes me everything i see how riduculous people can act. People who are cynical will just shrug them off as 'retarded'. But i feel that it is these behaviours that make up our interesting lives and gives us lots of challenges we have to face. It is also he same behaviours that brings about rise and fall or people, company, nations. It is the element in the world that makes it as exciting as it is. I think i am like psychotic now. haha.....

Rantings

2008-07-21T23:27:00.001+08:00

Reading other blogs just made me emo... again...

i feel distant from everyone yet again. turns out that this blog is going to be full or my rantings. haha....

Human Abstract - William Blake

2008-07-20T20:32:00.003+08:00

Pity would be no more,
If we did not make somebody Poor;
And Mercy no more could be,
If all were as happy as we;

friendships

2008-07-20T20:29:00.000+08:00

Good ones are really hard to come by.... sigh....

Desire

2008-07-20T20:24:00.002+08:00

Why do people like to complain so much? This is already a wonderful world we are living in and yet we still yearn for more no matter how rich or how comfortable we get. Because of this inequality spreads further and life gets tougher. Yet looking at it from another point of view, it is such desires that has brought us this far.... wheels, engine, planes, everything that we have now comes from this emotion. I guess it doesn't matter does it? hai... mx is just ranting again....

Inequality

2008-07-20T20:08:00.003+08:00

Something commonplace in our society. I have seen it, bare it, suffered through it all my life. Maybe i have been through too much of it i am no longer even affected anymore. Do i not care or am i sick of it? I guess it doesn't really matter.... mx is just ranting.....

Black Swan take away

2008-07-12T22:50:00.002+08:00

After reading all that philosophy about randomness and about life, and giving the summary of the book in my last 2 post, you must be thinking so thats how i should try to leave my life. By leaving things to chance and letting it benefit you instead of hurting you. However, what i am going to write after this will not actually go in sync with all those things i have said before. For in the end, our life is not just a bunch of statistics. Even if it is full of unknowns, i believe that we can actually decide in what will being happening in the future. Haha so here we go...

Talking about chance and randomness, humans actually do like to take chances for every decision in our life is like a gamble. We do not know what will happen if we choose to do this or do that and more often than not, we will regret our decision and believe that other decisions would have been better. Instead of always considering the result of our choices, we should try to be less rational about decisions and be more emotional about it. Why do we have to always consider whether we will reap the most benefit or most rewarding from things? For somethings in our life, we can never determine whether we have actually done our best or have made the best decisions. Recently one of my friends just broke up with his girlfriend (argh girl boy relationship is just not in my field of expertises) and he was very sad over it. For one whole day he kept telling me he was sad and thinks that life sucks. (actually kinda sound like me, haha i like to say life sucks too) I tired telling him that its over and since you do not want to do anything to save the relationship then do not regret what you have done. This is a very good example of difficult choice in our lives. What i am trying to get across here is once you have made a decision, do not complain that you are sad (or generally negative feelings) because it is what u have choosen. This is not a case of no point crying over spilled milk. It is not because you have made a decision and thus cannot do anything about it and therefore you shouldn't be sad. It should be because you have already choose that decision and therefore you shouldn't be sad. People always think that when bad things happened to them, it was a bad decision. However, they do not know that if another choice was taken, it might have been worse. Therefore do not try to think of different results that might happen and instead remember that experience and leave it as something meaningful in your life. Take everything as a postive experience and not a negative one. Even if you were to feel sad it should still be positive. Imagine that all your life you can only feel happiness and only happiness, wouldn't your life be boring? It is because of the countless type of emotion that we humans can feel that make us humans. Everything can be a pleasure if we take it to be so. Anger, pity, joy, sadness, bitterness, jealousy. These are all precious emotions in our lives that makes it so interesting.

In the end, even though what i have said in the about might not be related to Black Swan. However, i believe that it is linked because we should not let other people's opinion on life influence us. We should have our own way of living and experiencing things. Therefore the above is just my personal opinions of how life should be for me and not for anyone else. Why should we care about Black Swans that happen in our life? Let those events be experiences that carves your life and your personality and not let someone else control you. I believe that everyone should try to experience everything they can in life (including taking drugs, doing stupid things) and not be afraid of mistakes. ( I wouldn't call them mistakes actually, they are all just decisions, they can be correct to you but wrong to others)

Haha, i am going to end it here now. Hopefully i wasn't confusing and complicated. (tried not to be la...)

Black Swan Part 2

2008-07-07T21:14:00.000+08:00

Black swan is the randomness in our life. There is no way to predict it for we are only able to know it is one after we have experienced it. It can be both positive and negative at the same time. Negative being natural disaster and positive being a sudden lucky break in a pop star's career or maybe the suddenly popularity of a book like harry potter.

So how do we try to avoid it or predict it? We don't. What we can do it just to prepare ourself for anything that can happen to us. This is not to say that we should not try to predict the future but what we should do is to look at how black swans can hurt us or help us. We should look at the result instead of the black swan itself. This means to say if we were to invest in stocks, we should invest in the most stable one (90% maybe) and the most unstable (10%). The most stable one will allow us to avoid black swan from happening for even a major change will not cause much of a difference (also known as mediocristan), while the most unstable will allow us to enjoy the profits if a positive black swan is to happen to us but at the same time will also not hurt us much if something negative were to happen because we will only invest about 10%. Although this sounds like a farfetched example, it can actually be applied to many things in our life.

Also, we shouldn't be too particular about randomness and chances just because of all this talk about the black swan. Instead we should allow for contingency to enter our life and let it be. Because infinite vigilance is just not possible. We should continue to look at things normally and not look at them with skepticism.

One interesting example i found in this book is the way the author disprove induction with a simple example. Imagine a turkey is being fed everything for the pass 100 days. To the turkey, as each day passes by, the probablity of the next day being fed increases. However, after 100 days, the turkey was suddenly killed which defies the the fact previously established rule. This is the same things with everything in our life. Due to randomness, our life is not symetrical, yesterday compared to today is not the same as today compared to tommorrow. Black swan events are asymetrical with no rule to them and no chance of prediction.

People like to believe in economist and investors because they believe that these people are able to predict the future. However, most of the time they are actually unable to predict accurately because they do not have enough facts or simply have too much facts. How many people are actually going to predict the length of the war in lebanon and when it is going to start and end. Even with such information, the so called professional might be blinded by these information and still unable to forecast anything due to the black swan effect. It has been proven by research that the accuracy of their prediction is not much different from those of taxi drivers sometimes. So when an investor tells u about all his inside information and special statistiscal table, do not believe them as they are and take it with a pinch of salt. You never know what might happen tommorrow and can't and will never be able to predict the future. It is precisely the randomly that gives the future its definition, if not we will always be living in the history because we already know what is going to happened. Sometimes human themselves must realise that to know about the future is to know about the now which is not possible logically.

Black Swan Part 1

2008-07-07T15:56:00.000+08:00

Black Swan is a term coined by the writer to describe events that are unexpected, but yet explainable after the event has happened. It also has a huge impact on our lives which makes it significant but yet unpredictable. An example of this will be the 911 event, World war 2 and also the tsunami crisis in 2004.

Human beings have the tendency of removing blackswan from their predictions (irregardless whether it is market trends, stock maket, populatrity of a book/cd/movie etc..) due to several factors. As you try to predict what might happen tmr (for example, tmr is going to be a fun day because i am attending my friend's birthday party. maybe there is going to surprises at the party which will make things wild and crazy and fun), you will try to imagine it based on the things that you already have knowledge of (in this case the usual birthday parties you have been too) which are actually the known unknown. However, as tmr arrived, you realised there are things that happen which are totally unexpected and cause your initial prediction to be totally off the charts (before you went to the party you broke your leg and had to be sent to teh hospital, or your friend decided to cancel the party because his grandfather just died touch wood touch wood). These would be the unknown unknown. It is due to these random factors that can occur in our lives which causes the black swan effect. Therefore, sometimes having more information cause us to know less about the future for we blinded by what we think we know and lose sight of what we dunno.

Humans which a very interesting nature which is that they tend to be overconfident in whatever they try to predict. An experiment has shown that people that hold high positions in corporation and organisation tend to create a bigger margin of error when asked to predict certain figures.

The effect is particularly significant if it were to happen to something that is extremistan (things that have wide variable like the wealth, income, book sales, deaths in natural disaster, economy data, terrorist incidents) than mediocristan (things that have small variable like height, weight, IQ, car accidents). This is because in extremistan, a random change in figures will cause a huge difference in the average and in the total while for mediocristan it is not so. Like for example there is an earthquake today which caused a total of 100, 000 deaths. This will cause a surge in figures of the total number of people killed by earthquake in that particuar year. Hence in this kind of situation, we are unable and cannot predict what will happen in the future because there is alot of randomness and chance involved.

There is also another cause of blindness in recognising black swan events. We humans tend to simplify things which causes elimination of informations. This is because our brain is made that way in order for us to remember and link things together easily. We tend to try and explain things with reasons that we can think of after it has happened and thus making us believe that everything happened because of something. However, we fail to see that sometimes things can't happen just because of a series of actions we did but due to total randomness.

I think i will be taking a break here... the book is too deep.... will be coming back with simplier sub ideas from this book in the next post. But this is generally what the book is trying to talk about.

Beginning...

2008-07-06T14:09:00.000+08:00

Whew.... never think that i will have a blog again. I am short of time so this will just be a short intro. Purpose of this blog is more a diary than an open area for people to see my thoughts. I have created this thing to help me remember all the books i have read or events that i had gone through which had enlightened me. Haha hope this will work out. The first book i will be recording about (in my next post hopefully) will be the black swan. Its about the theory of randomness and the unknown unknown rather than the known unknown.

Wish that this blog will help me improve my english somehow and also help em decide to actuarial science or psychology in the year to come.